


It starts with a smile

by gonattsaga



Series: Laugh all the way to the show [1]
Category: British Comedy RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: ADHD, Cheating, Comedians, Denial, First Date, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Friendship, Internal Monologue, Introspection, M/M, Panel show, Tea, affair, coffee dates, taking it slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2017-12-13 09:09:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/822552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonattsaga/pseuds/gonattsaga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee's been offered the role of team captain on this new panel show, which should be a good thing. But what with Not Going Out losing its ratings and is about to be cancelled, he's not feeling too optimistic. But then he meets the other team captain and things might actually be looking up...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First meetings

**Author's Note:**

> In this series, David Mitchell is homosexual and everyone but the public knows this so he's not really in the closet. (I didn't want to drag awesome VC into things, I already felt bad about writing in Lee's wife, who incidentally only shares her first name and her husband with the character I'm portraying in these fics!)

 

 

Standing on the pavement and gazing down the street as he finishes his fag, Lee can’t help but to notice the way the grey of the sky descending onto the grey of London town with its stone buildings and asphalt and smog makes it look as though the two blend together. He also thinks that that’s such a cliché it annoys him to have noticed it in the first place. But he’s well aware that he could instead have noticed a grey kitten, or a white one for that matter, and still found a reason to get annoyed. He’s about to record a panel show pilot, which really is a good thing and should be cause, if not for celebration then at least a spring in his step, but as heavy as he feels right now he can barely move his feet.

They’re fairly rare these moods of his and more than makes up for them by being extremely jovial in-between, but as of right now with the weather being what it is and _Not going out_ losing ratings at such a speed it’s unlikely to get picked up for another series, he’s feeling quite gloomy. And yes, he’s been offered the role of team captain on this new panel show which, if it gets picked up, would mean he’s got a permanent spot on said show. But since he’s particularly pessimistic today he’s feeling certain that the show won’t get picked up, in which case he’ll be unemployed once again and back at the stand-up writing board, desperately trying to come up with new jokes even though he feels like shit.

 _Alright, enough self-pity_ , he thinks and stomps out his cigarette butt, before starting to make his way towards the Broadcasting House.

 _Time to put on the cheeky face_ , he thinks cynically as he walks through the doors, then changes his mind, reasoning that he wouldn’t have to be either cheeky or funny until it’s time to face the audience. He should probably make the effort to convince the team and the other participants that he’ll be a laugh to work with, but being as it is early in the morning he figures he should be able to get away with at least being subdued.

It turns out that he’s right, because upon entering the dressing room where a couple of the other comedians are already getting their make-up on, there’s clearly not a single morning person in there. In fact, half the people barely notice his arrival, and those who do merely nod in greeting or smile politely. He feels unproportionately relieved by that, for some reason.

A PA appears by his side holding up two paper cups, one with coffee and one with tea. Lee grabs the coffee and nods his thanks. The PA gives him a polite smile as well, although it’s a much more stressed version of it, before she scurries off again, tea splashing over the back of her hand.

The make-up bloke comes up to him and starts dabbing away at his face. Lee quickly takes a sip of coffee before tilting his head a little to the side to give the make-up bloke better access to the side of his neck. Why he needs to powder his neck, he’ll never understand, but he’s a compliant light entertainer, so if his neck needs powdering then fine, he’ll tilt his head to the side.

“Thank you”, the bloke says sweetly. “You can drink your coffee, it’s fine.”

“Right, thanks”, Lee says and scans the room aimlessly, just to stop himself from staring into the face that is inches from his own.

Halfway through his lazy glance around the room, Lee accidentally locks eyes with David Mitchell, the other team captain, whom he’s seen around but never actually talked to before. There is a confused beat in which they maintain eye contact, then Mitchell gives him one of those half nods that says _hello_ and a politely pinched smile.

Lee blinks, feeling extremely embarrassed about having been caught staring. _Was I staring?_

He nods back and in doing so, upsets the brush thingy that the bloke is dabbing against the side of his face, _or was_ he _staring at_ me _?_

“Shit, sorry”, he says Derek, who merely smirk in reply.

Glancing over at Mitchell again, Lee just catches his gaze flitting away. _He was now_ , Lee thinks. _No, probably not. Probably just one of those things. Is he gay? Did someone tell me he was gay? Not that it matters. God, but that’s stupid. “Is he gay”, what am I like…_

“There you go!”

Lee blinks and refocuses again. Smiles back. The bloke is studying his face in a way that Lee can only describe as admiring his handiwork, and he looks quite pleased with it as well. Which is lucky, Lee thinks. Not that he’s a very superficial person. Not, per se. _I mean to say, there’s only so much you can do with what you’ve got…_

Once again, Lee’s gaze begins to wander and once again it lands on Mitchell, who is now approaching him.

“I’m Derek, by the way…”

“Lee”, he says quickly and offers the guy, Derek, his hand. “Good to meet you, mate.”

“Aww you too, darling!” Derek says and shakes his hand before he moves away to deal with the next comedian in need of make-up.

 _Ugh, stereotype_ , Lee thinks before he can stop himself, then, too late, _No, stop it, he’s nice._

“Hello”, the unmistakable voice of David Mitchell breaks through his inner monologue. “I’m David…”

Lee quickly accepts his hand and shakes it, _oh soft, gentle too_

“Alright, I’m Lee Mack”

David half-smiles at him, then the corner of his mouth twitches a little and Lee realises that their handshake has lingered a little too long. He immediately lets go of the other man’s hand and pushes his own hand into his pocket, just to be sure. Clearly, he can’t trust the thing to behave.

David’s smiling again, though so Lee reckons he hasn’t made a complete fool of himself, or if he has, David probably won’t hold it against him. He doesn’t seem like the sort.

Suddenly Lee becomes aware of David looking at him expectantly and realises that he’s zoned out again and obviously missed whatever it was that David was saying. He has a quick debate with himself about whether to come clean about it or take a guess and offer some vague reply. In the end he decides to tell David that he’d let his thoughts wander, but quickly assures him that it’s nothing personal.

“Just involuntary habit of mine before I’ve had at least five cups of tea, or coffee”, he explains and raises the paper cup a little as if to illustrate what a cup of coffee is.

“I know what you mean”, David says.

“He’s telling the truth”, Derek chimes in, unnecessarily. “The whole time I was trying to talk to him, he was too busy making eyes at you…”

The others chuckle. Lee would be mortified, if he wasn’t distracted by the sight of David looking down to hide a subtle blush on his face and smiling, _shyly_.

“Aww, isn’t that adorable!” Derek twitters.

“Alright”, David speaks up, all confidence again. “If you want to audition for the show, it’s not us you should be directing you gags at.”

The others chuckle again, but no-one actually laughs until Lee pipes up and adds, “Derek doesn’t gag, do you Derek?”

“Cheeky!” Derek exclaims, even as he giggles.

Lee smiles a little and shrugs apologetically and gets a wink in return. Looking over at David again and noticing that the other man is avoiding his, and actually everyone’s eyes, and looking decidedly uncomfortable all of a sudden, his high spirits deflate a bit again. _Shit_.

“Is there time for a smoke?” he asks the room in general, catching David’s head movement in his peripheral as the other man looks at him again.

Someone assures him that there’s plenty of time yet and he turns to give David a questioning look.

“Um… Yeah, alright…” David murmurs.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Derek calls after them.

Lee feels his spirits go right up again. He’s not sure if it’s Derek and his good mood rubbing off on him, or if it’s the fact that he just feels at home with these people who he barely knows yet, but Lee really hopes the show will get picked up, because he could really feel at home here.

“He’s a laugh, isn’t he?” he says to David as they start walking down the corridor. “Derek, I mean.”

“Is that the…?”

“Gay bloke with the powder brush, yeah!” Lee quips, then immediately feels like an ass and tries to cover himself by quickly, and futively, correcting himself. “Stereotypical!”

David’s eyes widen slightly and he wonders if he might have said the last bit a little too loudly.

“Shit. Sorry…”

“No, that’s… it’s fine.”

He looks a bit nonplussed still, so Lee feels the need to keep explaining himself, _or keep digging_

“I meant to say ‘camp’ not ‘gay’, I mean that’s the stereotype for a gay man, you know, not that there’s anything wrong with that, being camp I mean, not gay, shit… now who’s being stereotypical, _Oh hang on, bloke doing makeup, sounds right homosexual to me!..._ Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you…”

“Why would I be offended?” David asks, holding the patio door open for him.

“Well you… oh, you’re _not_ gay, then!”

David looks at him funny again, “Yes, I am, but I don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being camp, though…”

Lee doesn’t know what to say to that, really and so simply says “Right.”

He’s extremely relieved when David cracks up and chuckles, so much so that he finds himself joining in and before he knows it they’re bantering like they’ve been friends, or at least co-workers, for years.

 

 

The banter continues throughout the recording of the show, much to the delight of the producers, and it’s not until they’re about to part ways outside the building that Lee feels himself come down from his performance high. Quite a bit later than he’s used to. Normally, as soon as the audience leaves, he powers down like a computer in sleep mode as the adrenalin wears off and he becomes aware of _just_ how exhausted he is.

There’s a moment of almost awkwardness when they both just sort of stand there, in what can only be described as _stalling_ , with the inevitable _good-bye_ hanging unsaid in the air between them. David has got that shy-ish smile on his face again and is looking down at the ground between them. Lee catches himself thinking he looks almost cute somehow. It’s amazing how different David can be from his public persona, or rather his performing persona.

Most comedians that Lee’s met have all had this personality when they go on stage, that isn’t a full-on act, but a heightened or exaggerated version of themselves. But there’s something else with David. It’s like he’s got this shield on when he’s on stage, or on camera, or even amongst people, Lee realises, remembering the way David was interacting with people in the dressing room, _except for that one moment when he came up to me and he was smiling that smile and_

Lee takes a deep breath and bats the train of thought away, it’s not like he even knows this person, they just met today. As far as he knows, David, the real David, the David that potters about in the kitchen on the morning or listens to records, the David that his friends and family gets to see, the David his boyfriend gets to see, _I wonder if he has a boyfriend_ …

“Well…” David says, breaking Lee out of his thoughts. “Let’s see if we’ll be back for another one of these…”

“I really hope so”, Lee says honestly and subconsciously noticing the blush on David’s face, but thinks nothing off it. “I had a really good time today.”

“Yeah, I did too”, David says.

“Well, I should be…” Lee gestures vaguely behind him.

“Right”, David says quickly. “Yeah, no, me too.”

“Right then. Well, it was nice meeting you…” he says and holds his hand out.

“Yes”, David says and now he actually does seem like he feels awkward.

They shake hands and go their separate ways. And when Tara asks him later that afternoon how it went, Lee tells her it went brilliantly, that David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian as _well_ as a brilliant person, that the whole team seems brilliant, as was the premise and execution of the show itself.

“Well”, Tara says in that awesomely dry way of hers. “Would it be a fair assumption to say that you had a brilliant day, then?”

Then she smiles and gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek, adding “It’s great to see you happy again…”

Lee hadn’t realised how transparent he’s been in these past couple of days, or maybe weeks, but now that he thinks about it, it makes complete sense. He feels completely different from this morning, like a whole other person. Of course, he must have seemed different as well, been different.

As he’s lying in his bed later that night, trying but failing to fall asleep, and not really trying either if he’s honest with himself, he replays the events of the day in his mind’s eye, zapping between moments, trying to catch glimpses of things he knows logically is part of why it felt so right, why he felt so at home, all these little things, like Derek joking and Angus dry comments in rehearsal, but they all flutter about and it’s hard to catch a specific one and hold onto it. Instead, they just whirl around inside his head, like snapshots or short clips in one big tumble, most of them swishing by and others lingering of their own accord. Most of them were of David with his animated face during the show, as well as that smile of his when they were alone.

It’s great to see you happy again, Tara said. _It’s great to_ be _happy again_.

And not only happy, but he’s also feeling optimistic, about his future, about his career, about _Would I lie to you?_ getting picked up. And in his gut, he already knows it will. The certainty of it flutters around inside of there, tickling the insides of his belly. 

 


	2. Episode two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee and David are back for the recording of another episode. There's still some confusion as to what exactly what kind of relationship they're forming, and Lee's starting to get confused about his own feelings as well, on top of that.

 Lee walks and smokes on his way to the studio this time around. He’s so eager to get there that he actually walks with a spring in his step, something he always thought was just a figure of speech but can clearly be literal as well, quite the opposite of when he walked this way a few weeks back on the way to the recording of the pilot episode.

When he enters the dressing room and immediately locks eyes with David whose smile immediately widens, Lee’s not sure who’s mirroring who but he feels himself beam right back. He feels like he’s on top of a rollercoaster, edging towards the fall. David makes his way over to him, smile twitching a little as he reins it in, trying perhaps to seem less thrilled and if he’s anywhere near as self-conscious as Lee about this sort of thing, and Lee thinks he is if not more so, that would make complete sense.

“So”, David more or less chirps as he reaches him. “Here we are again!”

Lee thinks it’s really amusing to witness the minute muscle twitches in his face as he finishes up the sentence, interpreting it as a subtle tell that the almost chipper tone he’d adopted to say it felt so far removed from his regular self that it actually made him cringe inside. Lee can’t help but to chuckle, but he does it as he replies with a fitting standard comment, _Yeah who would have thought_ or something along those lines, and he thinks he got away with it.

As soon as they’re on stage they immediately fall back into the roles they chiselled out for themselves in the pilot and the dynamic between them just sort of happens of its own accord. If possible, Lee enjoys himself even more this time around. By the looks of it, David does too. Even when he goes off on one of his rants there’s a twinkle in his eye and as soon as he stops ranting and things move on, he immediately smiles and looks over at Lee, beaming as Lee laughs. Or if Lee jumps in with a countering comment or a oneliner as soon as he’s finished, David’s the one who immediately bursts out laughing, handclap and all.

 _I can get used to that_ , Lee thinks and he feels just as pleased with himself as David looked a minute ago. And he wonders if this is what it’s going to be like from now on, the two of them essentially complimenting each other by making each other laugh. Not that he’s opposed to the idea, but he’s not sure how entertaining it would be for the audience. _They seem to be enjoying themselves though_ , he notes. And maybe that’s what the dynamic between them is built on. _Is that the word I want,_ dynamic _? Or is it_ chemistry _? Do we have chemistry?_ The producers seem to think so.

For some reason, once the thought is in his head, Lee feels self-conscious about it. As they all wander off the stage he’s starting to feel nervous about maintaining it, as though chemistry was something you had to make happen and either you had a knack for it or you had to work at it, and that he’s accidentally managed to create it with this person without knowing exactly how he did it. Logically, he knows that the very definition of personal chemistry is exactly the opposite. But he still feels sure that he somehow can muck it up.

David sidles up to him on the way to the dressing room, _and there it is, all shy and humble again_ , smiling and telling Lee he’s had fun, and he’s really glad the show is picked up, and it was a good first episode, and thanks for making it so. Lee smiles back, instead of replying, because there’s no reply worse than “Me/you too” and David’s already claimed dibs on every single thing that Lee could have said.

Once they’re out of make-up and in their coats they head towards the exit in an unspoken agreement to walk together.  As soon as the fresh air hits them, Lee gets his cigarettes out. David, in true smoker spirit, immediately gets his own cigarettes out, _it’s like Pavlov’s dogs_ , and Lee offers him light. They both savour their first drags in compatible silence. Lee wonders if the reason he stopped to light a cigarette now, instead of waiting until after he’d said goodbye to David, is just a way of stalling.

“You taking the tube?” David asks.

Even though Lee had planned to walk home, the same way he walked here, he says he is and they walk to the nearest tube station together, chatting, or _bantering_ , the entire way there and then continuing while on the tube. Glancing at their fellow passengers, Lee realises they’re putting on a bit of a show for them, unwittingly. At least in terms of their surroundings, but he can’t deny that he’s deliberately showing off for David, using some of his best oneliners and anecdotes usually reserved for his stand-up routines, despite the fact that they’re technically just small-talking. But as he now knows the difference between David’s private smiles and eye-twinkles and those when he’s performing or has his guard up in any other type of social situation, not that Lee’s ever really seen him in a social situation except for the dressing room at the Broadcasting house, but he knows the difference between the way David smiles there and the way he smiles when it’s just the two of them and right now he’s smiling at Lee as though they have an audience, which, technically, they do. Nevertheless, _the point is_ , Lee’s fairly confident that he’s not the only one putting on a show right now.

“Well, this is me”, David says as the computerized voice alerts them of the next stop. “Are you going on?”

“Oh”, Lee says, because he hadn’t thought that far. “Yeah. I’m… the next one, yeah.”

“Oh right. Well…”

David stands up and moves towards the doors as the train pulls up to the platform. Lee stands up as well, _just to say goodbye, that’s perfectly normal_ , “Well, I’ll see you.”

The doors open and David has to step outside, but he turns back around to face Lee as soon as he has and he opens his mouth to reply, but then the doors start closing with a beep and he simply nods and raises his hand in some kind of paused wave. Lee mirrors the gesture, and then the train starts moving again and before he knows it he’s staring at his own reflection in the glass instead.

Getting off at the next stop, Lee tries to decide which is worse, the fact that the only thing missing from that situation for it to be a scene from a melodrama was a pair of white handkerchiefs, or the fact that he just took the tube 5 kilometres in the wrong direction just so he could continue talking to David.

As he crosses the platform and gets on the next train back, he settles on them being equally silly but, because of the fluttery feeling in his belly that lingers for at least four stops, he doesn’t really care. He’s not too bothered about the butterflies either. He figures it’s just an emotional reaction to the comedic chemistry between David and himself, because it’s really rare to come across that. The only times he’s really clicked with a co-worker like this was during _The Sketch Show_ and recently during _Not Going Out_ , and then only really during rehearsals, both of which were because of Time Vine. So apart from Noel, whom he’s never actually worked with so it doesn’t count, Tim is the only person he’s had this type of chemistry with before meeting David.

It strikes him though that the chemistry he has with Tim, and Noel for that matter, isn’t really the same as the one he’s begun to form with David, at all. And neither Tim nor Noel make him feel all fluttery like this. But that doesn’t mean anything, he tells himself. _Different people, different types of chemistry._

As reasonable as that is, somewhere in the back of his mind a niggling doubt starts to fester because, if he’s genuinely honest with himself, he’s worked with a fair amount of awesome people over the years whom he considers to be some of his best mates, and none of them gives him butterflies. In fact, the _only_ person, whom he’s worked with, that makes him feel like _this_ , all warm and fluttery and light and feverish and insanely happy, is David.

But he keeps that knowledge pushed into the far back of his mind where it can still be a small, niggling doubt. And even that he tries to ignore, because he doesn’t want to ruin this buzz, for lack of a better word. At this point he’s not sure what it is, but he wants to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

 

 

Next week, Lee arrives to the Broadcasting House with a spring in his step again, eager to face the audience, eager to see David, and Derek and Angus and the guest panellists. He makes his way over to the dressing room and finds it already crowded, so after having shaken hands with all four of the guests he decides to hang back and wait outside the doorway until at least a couple of them are dolled up and clear out of the room.

He spots David at the far corner of the room and makes eye contact with him across the small crowd of comedians. They sort of nod in greeting, and Lee feels his face split up as a huge smile stretches out across it without him really meaning to and, unable to stop it, he basically beams at the other man. David favours him with a crooked smile in return. It’s not nearly as wide as his own loony grin but at least it’s genuine. Lee can tell by the twinkle in David’s eyes and, ironically, by the fact that it isn’t a wide one.

“Hi there!” John Barrowman says and steps out into the corridor. He grabs Lee’s hand and sort of shakes it, but more than that he squeezes it gently and steps half a step closer.

“Alright”, Lee says and smiles back at him.

Barrowman’s teeth are impossible straight and white and his face is all cheekbones and perfect skin. _So Hollywood_ , Lee thinks. His eyes twinkle as well, he notes, but they don’t come close to David’s. Why he was even comparing the two in the first place, Lee has no idea, but he had and now it’s done.

Barrowman is a very handsome, _and flirtatious apparently_ , guy and he’s radiating glamour and cheek. But it just doesn’t ring true to Lee, any of it. At least not compared to David who is pure and raw honesty, even when he’s got his poker face on and spins the most believable lies imaginable, there’s still a sense of genuine vulnerability to him. No matter how thick his mask gets, there’s still a truth to it, he’s still _David_ , heart on his sleeve and insecurities on the table. His teeth aren’t straight, he’s not fit or suave and he can’t fake a smile without the corner of his lips quivering. _But perfect is really boring, anyway,_ Lee thinks.

“So”, Barrowman says. “You’re my captain for a day…”

His smile curls into a cheeky leer, but there’s a laugh lurking close by and Lee gets that he’s not _really_ flirting with him, it’s just the way he is, with everybody, it’s his way of socialising.

“Yep, you can call me _Captain, my Captain_ ”, he quips, just as cheekily and Barrowman immediately throws his head back and laughs.

Lee smiles. His feet are itching to take a step back, though. Barrowman’s still standing an inch or so too close to him and he’s not great with physical contact, at least not with people he barely knows. So when Angus and Dominic step out of the dressing room, Lee takes the opportunity to sidle away from Barrowman and walk inside. Derek puts a hand briefly on his arm and tells him he’ll be right with him. For some reason it didn’t bother Lee at all to be touched by Derek, maybe because it was such a brief touch, or maybe because it didn’t feel like an invasion of his personal space, it was just a simple pat on the arm, however gentle and lingering. Again, his brain jumps to David, trying to remember if they’ve ever touched, even briefly like that. He can’t think of a single time, unless he counts the handshakes. He looks over at David and catches his gaze flit away. It makes sense, he figures. David seems to have an equally large personal space as him, and with two people who are anything but touchy-feely, it’s not surprising they don’t go around putting lingering hands on each other’s arms, or hug or anything like that.

He walks up to David to say a proper _Good morning_ and, just as an experiment, he does put his hand on David’s arm, or rather the edge of his shoulder, slightly cupping it. David gives him a weird look, so he just rubs his arm a little, awkwardly, then quickly removes his hand again.

“Alright”, he says.

“Um… yes”, David croaks, the confused look still on his face, but now accompanied by a rather pronounced blush as well. “Hi, h-how are you?”

David flinches at his own question.

“Alright”, Lee says again, this time in answer to David’s question but that doesn’t make him feel any less of an idiot.

_Well, this is awkward._

“So”, he says brightly, and if David can tell he’s trying a little too hard he’s kind enough not to show it. “You stoked for the today’s show?”

“Yes”, David offers meekly.

Thankfully, Derek shows up and rescues them both by pulling Lee’s face slightly to the side.

“Don’t mind me!” he says, even as he starts dabbing something wet and skin-coloured onto Lee’s face with a squishy piece of something that looks like rubber, except it’s softer.

When neither of them jump to the opportunity to keep talking, Derek saves them again and takes care of the small talk for them until they’re both more or less relaxed again. Halfway through Derek’s anecdote about his weekend, Lee and David exchange an amused look and by the time they take their seats on stage, all is well again.

Lee can’t help but to wonder, though if David was reacting to the fact that Lee was touching him for no particular reason, or if he was reacting to the fact that Lee felt so obviously awkward doing it.

 

 

The show is the best one yet, in Lee’s opinion. Granted, it’s only the third, the second televised one,  but David manages to surprise him by being more hilarious than he’s ever seen him. He hadn’t thought that was possible, but David’s on a roll today. Talking about Madonna’s loo seat, he imitates the poor guy who would need to remove it just as soon as she’s finished using it and wanting to get home some time before eleven and asking her if she thinks she’ll need to go again, and if so, would she consider doing it now rather than later. It’s so simple, but it’s so simple it’s brilliant. Lee feels like he’s in the audience watching a stand-up show, a _brilliant_ stand-up show, for a moment.

Lee knows he can’t possibly follow that, but when it’s his team’s turn he gives it his best shot, adrenaline shooting through his body, he lunges head-first into his equivalent of a rant, spurred on by the fact that he can see David in his peripheral, even as he pulls a face and barely sees anything at all. Barrowman tries to join in, but completely misses the point of Lee’s joke, so Lee makes a joke about him not getting the joke, all casually like and getting roars of laughter from the audience, and through that the tell-tale laugh that is obviously David’s. Lee cracks up a little himself, even as he pats Barrowman apologetically on the shoulder.  Not wanting to let the collective mirth go to waste, though he immediately offers up another joke.

Shortly after, he earns another set of laughs for what he essentially feels was a rather cheap joke himself, by acting shocked when Barrowman referred to himself as gay and then stomping off stage. Of course, Barrowman won’t be out-staged and he adds another gag at his own expense. The show continues in much the same fashion and about halfway through he’s had his ear licked by one team member and his arm more or less caressed countless of times by the other.

Lee tries to keep up with Barrowman and play along with his cheeky persona, even when it’s distracting him from his usual interaction with David, but it soon escalates when Barrowman tries to banter with him and it turns into an all-out, dramatic shout fest. Cut short, thankfully, by David interrupting them and saying he doesn’t understand why they all had to sit there and listen to “this shit”. Lee laughs at that, but Barrowman merely smiles. It’s not a very genuine smile though, Lee notices. He wonders if it’s annoyance at having been robbed of the limelight, or something else.  In fact, when he thinks about it, out of all Barrowman’s generous laughs throughout the recording, none have been caused by something David has said and when David was interacting with him directly, his smile was definitely strained. _Maybe there’s history there_ , Lee thinks, then wonders if it’s prejudiced of him to think so, as if two men working in the same business and who both happen to be gay must have had something together at some point.

He forgets about it momentarily when David starts ranting at him for claiming to employ a guy for managing his iPod, enjoying the rush that comes with sparring with David like this, not that you can ever win with David when he’s like this, not only is he faster and louder and so funny it makes you lose momentum, he’s also wickedly smart, poking holes at your arguments before you’ve even realised what they were.

“If you’re a control freak, then why are you letting someone else do this for you!?” David more or less screams. _Damn, got me._ “Do you also employ someone to manage your toaster for you? _Oh I know nothing about technology! I can’t be bothered to learn, I just give him the bread… He does something to it, I don’t know what, and it turns into toast!_ ”

“David”, Angus interrupts. “David, David… before you get _too_ angry, it _is_ possible that he lying.”

“Right”, David says, obviously still itching to keep yelling at Lee essentially, but Angus urges him to move on to Barrowman. “Oh, right, alright…”

Lee is once again reminded of the tension between David and Barrowman and watches their brief exchange closely, but David doesn’t really give anything away and he can’t really see Barrowman’s face when he’s looking over at the other team. He makes a mental note to see if there’s any tension between them later on in the dressing room, though. Then it’ll be easier to judge David’s behaviour as well, he’ll have most of his guard down.

It turns out, though that he doesn’t have to do much studying. When you know to look for it, it’s so obvious, Lee can’t believe he didn’t notice earlier. You could cut the air between them with a knife. Most of that is coming from Barrowman, though. David has retired to the far corner of the room again, where he seems happy enough to potter about. Barrowman is still joking around and flirting with the rest of them and it’s not as though he’s outright glaring at David, but there’s definitely chilly air to the way he’s very deliberately _not_ looking in his direction.

Lee is about to make his way over to David, when Barrowman intercepts him, all teeth and touches, and tells him a few of them are going to this place nearby for Happy Hour and asks him if he’d like to tag along. Lee glances over at David, who seems deeply focused on looking through his jacket pockets, but there’s added tension in his shoulders which makes Lee think that he’s actually acutely aware of the goings-on behind him, including Barrowman asking Lee to join him and a couple of the others for drinks.

“No, you’re alright, cheers though”, Lee says, politely more so than kindly, and carefully moves away from his touch, there’s a flash of something in Barrowman’s eyes then but his smile doesn’t waver. “Another time. Thanks for a good show.”

“You too”, Barrowman says. “Another time it is…”

Lee walks over to David and just sort of lounges next to him, leaning back against the edge of the dressing table. David gives him a questioning look, but Lee waits for the others to leave before he speaks. David glances over at the doorway as they start to filter out, perceptive enough, and once the last person has disappeared down the corridor, he turns to Lee again, this time with an expectant look on his face.

“You taking the tube?” Lee asks.

David gives him a look that tells him that _that’s not what you want to say_ , but answers anyway and tells him that he is indeed taking the tube and yes, he’d love the company. Lee nods, “Okay then!”

He straightens up and reaches for his coat hanging off the backrest of the chair next to him. David is still watching him expectantly.

“Are you alright?” Lee murmurs finally.

David blinks, clearly not the question he’d expected.

“I’m… fine. Why?”

“No, it’s just that I couldn’t help noticing… you and Barrowman, you know…”

David’s eyes widen slightly, or not so slightly actually, but rather comically.

“I mean”, Lee hurries to say. “It’s none of my business! I just thought I’d better check, you know. And… if you wanted to talk, then…”

He feels his face warming up, but refuses to acknowledge it.

“I mean, I may not be very eloquent, but I’m a good listener… when I focus…”

David half-chuckles, then “You are joking, right?”

“No…” Lee says, feeling a bit defensive, it’s not that much of a stretch is it, that he could keep up his end of a serious conversion?

“I mean about John Barrowman and me, you’re not implying what I think you’re implying?”

“Oh. Well. I just thought…”

“Oh God, no! There’s nothing going on between Barrowman and myself! At all!”

“Alright, alright!… I just couldn’t help noticing things were a bit… tense, between the two of you, and I sort of leapt to conclusions and I didn’t exactly think it through, I just wanted to make sure you were okay…”

He’s starting to feel extremely awkward, and judging by the way David’s face softens perceptively, it must be showing.

“Well, thanks”, he says, gently. “Really. That’s very… But, trust me, I’m as far away from Barrowman’s type as is possible. As is he, by the way.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, no, I think the tension you picked up on was due to the fact that Barrowman, I think, considers me to be a disgrace to the homosexual community…”

“You what?”

“Well, I think that in Barrowman world you’re not out of the closet unless you’re shouting it off the roof tops…”

“That’s mental!” Lee exclaims, before he’s had a chance to consider how worked up he could get over this without it seeming weird. “And besides, what’s it got to do with him whether you’re out or not, anyway? Meddling git!”

David simply smiles at him and the conversation tapers off after that. They walk out of the building together and Lee walks David to the tube station. Once they get there though, he stops just outside. David gives him a questioning look and he smiles apologetically and comes clean about not actually riding the tube home. David blinks.

“I just, we were talking and so I just hopped on so we could continue talking, but I really live in the other direction, and it’s walking distance, so…”

“You idiot”, David says, but there’s no heat behind it and Lee chuckles.

“Yeah, usually…”

“Alright then”, David says and looks towards the stairs leading down to the tube, but then turns back to Lee again instead. “Want to smoke with me before you head home, then?”

“Yeah”, Lee breathes out, oddly grateful for the extra moment. “Sure…”

They smoke in silence for a couple of minutes, then Lee works up the courage to ask David what his type is. David almost chokes on the smoke he’s exhaling and coughs a couple of times, then splutters out a “What?”

“You said Barrowman weren’t your type, so I was just curious, what is your type then?”

“Oh”, David says in a rather small voice, still looking unsure but Lee’s certain it’s not about the question anymore but rather the answer. “I-I don’t know that I have a specific type…”

“You sounded like you did”, Lee persists.

_Why am I pushing this?_

“Well, someone intelligent”, David starts, then cuts himself off and flustered he adds that he didn’t mean to imply that John Barrowman is stupid.  

“Well…” Lee says indecisively and David’s lips twitch a little. “Alright, intelligent. What else?”

“Kind”, David says immediately without breaking eye-contact with him, something flutters by inside Lee’s chest, but it’s gone before he’s even registered it so he doesn’t make anything of it.

“Right. And?”

“And… funny”, David decides and gazing out across the street.

“Funny?”

“Yeah”, David says simply. “Could you go out with someone who didn’t have a sense of humour?”

“What sort of funny, though?”

David glances sideways at him, but then looks away again and shrugs. “Just funny.”

“Yeah, but funny in what way?”

“Quick-witted”, David admits after a moment.

“So definitely not Barrowman then”, Lee quips before he can stop himself, but earns a laugh for his impulsive effort so he figures that’s alright then. “So, quick-witted. See, I’d have thought you’d go for someone brainy and kind of observational comedy type of person, you know, all cynical and sarky.”

“God no”, David mutters.

“You did say ‘intelligent’ though. Nothing intelligent about making gags, is there?”

“Depends on the gags”, David counters. “Besides, cynical doesn’t necessarily equal intelligent. And it’s definitely not a quality I find very attractive.”

“Okay”, Lee says, feeling oddly relieved for some reason. “You’ve convinced me…”

David looks at him again then and smiles. They both finish their cigarettes at the same time. David drops his to the ground and grinds it into the asphalt with the heel of his shoe. Lee flicks his into the street. They both watch it crash to the ground like a miniature flare.

“Well, I should be going”, David says finally. “And you should be heading all the way back the way we came, shouldn’t you? How far do you have to walk after that?”

“Not that far”, Lee answers vaguely. “Besides, the conversation’s worth the extra distance… I’ll see you next week, yeah?”

“Yeah, see you then…”

There’s a confused moment where they both seem to be contemplating some sort of physical gesture, like a hug goodbye, but both stumbling over the impulse and in the end they just end up smiling at each other before going their separate ways. 


	3. Now what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of the first series of WILTY. Lee knows it's not normal to be missing a colleague this much...

 

 

 

 

 

The series has literally flown by, even with flu-ridden kids at home and an endless line of tedious production meetings over at the BBC about whether or not continue with _Not going ou_ t, before he knows it autumn has already slipped by him and now, accompanied by grey skies and sleety streets, the inevitable end of _Would I Lie To You_ is closing in on him. Considering its success, there’s not a doubt in anyone’s mind that it won’t get picked up for another series, so Lee’s fairly certain that they’ll all be at it again in the spring, but between then and now he’s got months and months of rain and idleness to look forward to.

Of course there’s always Christmas, but _and this is a bonafide sign that you’re approaching middle-age_ , he doesn’t really look forward to the holidays as much as dreading them. He has fond memories of Christmas being about presents and tasty food and even tastier treats and crackers and a general atmosphere of magic. Now, he can only focus on buying the presents and cooking the food. Even the atmosphere has lost its magic. It’s been replaced by stress and intoxication (to relieve said stress.) He’s finally turned into his old man, with a steadily declining sense of his own limits and what gags are in fact appropriate to tell in the presence of aged in-laws and young children.

But there’s quite a way to go yet before it’s time to tackle the over-crowded toy stores and endure the endless “ _Feliz Navidad_ ” on repeat while your down jacket is steadily soaking from the inside by your own sweat.

He steps into the dressing room, _for the last time. No, for the last time in quite a while_ , and he already feels the melancholy of it all being over descend on him, despite the fact that they haven’t even started recording the episode yet.

He locks eyes with David across the room as he enters and the other man gives him a crooked half-smile. Lee might be imagining it, but there seems to be a melancholic sheen in David’s eyes as well. _Probably my imagination,_ he thinks _. David’s involved in so many different projects, what’s one panel show..._

He takes a seat next to where David’s standing, his thumb working away at the buttons on his ancient mobile, but when Lee plops down next to him he looks up from his phone and smiles again, then quickly rounds up whatever text he’s composing and promptly puts the phone down. When the screen lights up with a new text message, he ignores it and sits down in the chair next to Lee instead.

“Hello”, he says in that hilariously melodious way of his and Lee would chuckle or at least smile, he really would, but his face feels heavy and he can only manage a _Hi_ , sans chuckle.

There’s a softness in David’s eyes, spilling over into his face in general, and Lee tries to remember if he looked like that before, before Lee said anything, before he walked across the room and sat down, or if he’s always looked like that. He can’t be sure now.

 

 

 

 

 

Lee unwittingly switches on auto-pilot as he takes his seat on stage, it doesn’t make any sense, he should be making the most of this recording and enjoy it while it lasts, but by steeling himself for the end of it and the end of the series and the start of the winter season, he’s distancing himself from it already. He goes through the motion of telling the jokes and making the quips, but his heart’s not really in it. He’s not sure if the audience can tell, but David definitely can. It’s right there in his eyes.

But it’s not just him, Lee decides after a while. It’s all three of them, Angus, David and himself. And earlier, it was the same thing with the crew and Derek and Sandy as well. They’re all stuck between the emotions of leaving this project and the thought process of starting a new one, be it another show, a TV series, a film, or in his case, apart from a load of downtime and some more production meetings at the BBC, hours upon hours of writing.

The show doesn’t suffer though, even with its three regulars being a bit more subdued than usual, it is more than made up for by the energy of the guest panellists, especially Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who may have flirted with him at some point, but Lee hardly noticed it if she did, which says a lot about where his mind’s been at the whole day, because Tara is not someone you fail to notice, _especially when she speaks..._

After the show, Lee walks with David, or rather _walks David_ , to the tube station, as has become their tradition over the course of the past few months. They don’t really talk, not like they normally would. But once they reach the station and David turns towards Lee to say _goodbye_ like he always does, he reaches out and touches the palm of his hand to Lee’s upper arm.

He doesn’t pat it or squeeze it, just lets it linger there for a moment before he drops it again, brushing it along the full length of Lee’s arm on the way down.

If he could feel Lee tensing up, he doesn’t acknowledge it. He just quirks the side of his mouth and says I’ll see you and it almost sounds like a promise.

 

 

Lee’s roused by Tara getting out of bed then moving around in the room, trying to decide on today’s outfit probably, but he keeps his eyes closed and buries his head deeper into the pillow. He dozes off again as soon as she leaves the room and is literally shaken awake again half an hour later when Tara jostles his shoulder through the covers. He squints up at her through the excessive sunlight spilling in through the bedroom window and the sleep in his eyes.

“I’m off”, she says.

_And I needed to wake up and receive this information, why_ , Lee thinks but doesn’t say. Instead he croaks out an _alright_. Tara bends down to kiss him on the cheek and her hair tickles his nose.

“Don’t sleep all day”, she says before she leaves, and it annoys him somehow.

Probably because, on some barely subconscious level, it reminds him of his mother nagging in a similar fashion when he was a teenager. Or it annoys him that, just because he doesn’t have a set to go to but stays home now, she assumes that he’s not doing anything productive all day.

Which is technically true, but it’s only been a few weeks since Would I lie to you ended, and Lee thinks he deserves at least a bit of a break before he starts tackling his winter plans.

He blinks the rest of the sleep out of his eyes and stretches. The thought of needing a month’s break, like some poncey method actor’s _me time_ , has kicked him completely awake and he feels a bit foolish. _David probably hasn’t taken a break at all, he’s probably just jumped right into his next project_

Lee swings his legs over the side of the bed and sits up in one fell swoop, intending to also swing himself out of that train of thought. Not for the first time since the last time he saw David, Lee resolves to stop thinking about him and imagining what he’s doing, but just like all the other times, he fails miserably. When he’s not thinking about David without really thinking about the fact that he’s thinking about him, Lee is actively thinking about not thinking about him, so no matter what he does, David is on his mind, constantly.

It’s not normal, Lee knows it’s not normal, to think about someone, a colleague, this much, to miss them this much. So far he’s managed to rationalise it, but a couple of days ago he finally ran out of rational arguments and tried to just ignore it.

But denial doesn’t really work once you’ve already acknowledged something. It’s there, you’ve already faced it once, it won’t go away so easily now.

_It’s no use,_ Lee thinks as he makes himself a cup of tea in the kitchen. Something’s going on with him, or between him and David, something new, something he doesn’t fully understand but it’s there and he can’t ignore it anymore, he needs to figure it out.

He needs to stop trying to not think about it.

So after he’s finished his tea and changed from his pyjama bottoms and t-shirt into some fairly presentable, but casual clothes, that doesn’t feel like work or fancy dress but is still nice and clean enough to be seen in public with, he decides to go for a long walk and _really_ think about things. Not just the fact that he and David have amazing chemistry when they’re working together and how much he misses that now while they’re on break, but everything. Every look and smile and blush and flutter. Every word they’ve said to each other in private and every pause in-between them. All the little things that he’s either let slip by his conscious mind and pushed straight to his subconscious where they’ve been neatly filed away, or that he’s rationalised or even denied, they all fly up to the surface now.

And once they have, there’s really not much to think about anymore. The answer is right there in front of him, almost immediately, glaringly obvious.

_I have a crush on David Mitchell._

It’s rather funny how easy it was for him to accept that, Lee thinks later that evening. Tara still hasn’t come home and the kids are in the next room, watching telly or playing video games, he can’t really tell the difference between the noises. Once it was out there, denial was the furthest thing on his mind.

He’s not fine, far from it.

Even though the idea of having a crush on David, the concept of it, is easy to accept, he still doesn’t know what to do with it. He’s had this great big revelation, but he has no idea what it means, or where it leaves him and where he’s supposed to go next.

Of course, he thinks about Tara and how he should feel guilty somehow, but he doesn’t really because these feelings are somehow separated from her, from what he feels for her and the kids, it’s another part of him, another part of his life, _and anyway it’s just a crush,_ Lee knows it doesn’t really mean anything. He tells himself that people have fleeting crushes all the time and unless they act on it, the crush will simple brighten their days for a while before it fades away again. As far as he’s concerned a small and innocent crush never harmed a relationship. As long as that’s all it is, small and innocent, just a crush, just a flicker of a feeling, like a warm and pleasant presence, then you’re fine. _It doesn’t mean a thing._

But it stirs up some other issues for him, though. Or not issues precisely, but questions. He knows he’s not _gay,_ he can’t be gay, he’s never felt anything for another bloke in all his life, not even in his teens when you’re supposed to be unsure about your sexuality and experimental. It’s just this one time, _just David_ , but what does that mean, what does that make him, if not gay, and not a hundred per cent straight anymore, then what? _Bi-curious?_

Then comes the other questions, and the worry, _how will this affect my relationship with David? How will it affect the way I look at him and talk to him and work with him? What if he figures it out? Even if I do my best to hide it, to act like nothing, what if shows on me anyway?_

And that’s when the fretting starts.

When Tara comes home and puts her handbag down on one of the kitchen chairs with plunk, and effectively jolts Lee out of his train of thoughts, he realises that he hasn’t made the dinner that he started preparing for but instead he’s been pacing up and down the kitchen swigging tea and worrying. Tara gives him a questioning look.

“What happened?” she asks.

Lee feels verbally smacked in the face and breaks out in a cold sweat. _She can tell something is different about me, it shows on me, it actually shows on me, she’ll find out, everyone will know, David will find out_

“Darling?”

“What?” he croaks.

“How did the production meeting go?”

“Oh... the meeting, yeah it went fine, I mean not fine, it was just like all the others, you know... pointless...”

“Aww”, he says sympathetically and rubs his arm a little.

Her heart’s not really in it and he can tell. He doesn’t blame her though. It’s not a great tragedy, and it’s not the first time he’s had a pointless meeting at the BBC that didn’t amount to anything.

“Have the kids eaten?”

“Oh. Umm...”

Suddenly, it all seems trivial again, the crush, everything. The thought of dinner, and his kids who need to eat, then get their jammies on and brush their teeth and get to bed because _fuck me is that the time?_ has put everything into perspective for him. _It is just a crush. It doesn’t mean anything._

So that’s what he’ll do, he’ll just focus on his kids. From now on, he’s going to focus on the kids, and Tara, and his writing, and if David pops into his head then he’s going to let himself think about him then focus on something else, something practical that needs doing. He’s going to keep things in perspective.

Because there’s nothing he can do about it now anyway. He probably won’t even see David until the spring when they start filming _Would I lie to you_ again. So he’ll deal with it then. If he even has a crush still, by then it might very well have faded away already.


	4. Piece of cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee had expected, hoped, that the break between series one and two would give him plenty of time to get over this little crush of his. Well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during series two.

He’s not sure if his pulse is quickening because his strides are, or if he’s walking faster because his pulse is racing, but he makes the walk from his house in record time. He doesn’t go inside right away though. He stays hidden behind the corner and chain smokes until the very last minute. Which, he realises as he walks down the corridor, might not have been the better option after all. At the time he’d just wanted to put off the inevitable for as long as possible, but when you think about it, being early and already engrossed in something, anything, by the time the others, _David_ , show up is way better than stumbling in at the last minute when the others, _David_ , will most certainly be there to greet him. The wait would have been even more excruciating in that dressing room though, he tells himself. He should have gone for some sort of middle ground, shown up early but not _too_ early. But then again, how would he have known the exact moment when David would have showed up.

Then _yet again_ , it’s too late now anyway.

When he sees the door of the dressing room he slows down. A couple of steps away from it, he stops altogether and breathes deeply a couple of times to steel himself. Inside, he smiles and shakes hands and claps people on backs and shoulders, all on auto-pilot. Out of the corner of his eye, he can tell David is already beaming, and then he’s making his way over, and Lee has to take another deep breath.

Dark brown eyes suck him in, _Oh fuck me_ , and he feels himself leaning closer, as though drawn to David by some sort of magnetic force. As soon as he feels the pull and realises what he’s doing, he stumbles back. David reaches out to steady him and chuckles.  

“Okay?” he ask, voice thick with amusement.

“Yeah”, Lee huffs, arm still tingling where David grabbed him.

David steps a little closer to him. Lee wonders if they always used to stand this close to each other. Surely he would have noticed earlier if they had, he thinks.

”I don’t know what’s more alarming”, David says. “Having Rob Brydon on my team or Robert being on your team and knowing he’ll undoubtedly be telling you all sorts of embarrassing stories about me.”

He leans in conspiratorially and adds with a smirk, “ _Most_ of which are untrue…”

_His eyes twinkle, they actually twinkle. Oh my God, he’s flirting with me,_ Lee thinks hysterically and chokes down the absurd impulse to laugh. _This isn’t_ banter _, this is_ flirting. _Have we been flirting this whole time?_

“Nevertheless”, David continues. “I apologise in advance for whatever idiocy he comes up with…”

“R-right”, he replies nervously.

There’s a brief glimmer of uncertainty in David’s eyes, but he blinks it away and smiles crookedly at Lee, saying he can make it up to him.

“W-what?” Lee squeaks out.

David’s smile twitches nervously and a blush breaks out across his face, but aiming for casual he ploughs on, “After the show. Drinks on me?”

“Oh. No”, Lee says quickly. “No, I… I can’t, I don’t think, I have this… thing.”

The blush on David’s face intensifies but his smile stays, although it definitely becomes strained.

“Alright”, he says like it’s not a big deal and simultaneously looking like it really is. “Are… are you okay?”

“Fine”, Lee says hurriedly then makes up an excuse and walks away.

He keeps himself busy until it’s time for them to go on, and whatever he keeps himself busy with he makes sure it’s wherever David is _not_. He can sense the effect his behaviour is having on David. Even though he consciously avoids looking in his direction he’s still aware of his fretting presence in his peripheral. He doesn’t approach Lee though, he keeps at a generous distance and once they take their seats on stage and Lee finally looks at him, there’s nothing in David’s face that would betray his feelings at all.

It should probably worry him, the ease with which they both slip into their panel show personas, how easily their feelings are turned off. They’re not really, of course. They’re still there, the whole time, simmering under the surface. But they both do a very good job at keeping them there and getting on with the show. It’s probably a good thing, Lee figures. _Probably_.

At first, Lee does find it hard to laugh as freely as he usually does and he has to force it for the cameras, but as soon as Rob Brydon starts getting defensive about his radio story, he relaxes into it. Then Rob imitates David out of the blue and the laugh sticks in his throat, but he quickly shakes it off and after that it gets easier and easier to both joke and laugh. It even gets easier to interact with David.

“…would be like making fun of Hitler for the length of his moustache!”

Lee tunes back in to what David is ranting about and is just about to make a quip about David’s hair style, but Robert Webb beats him to it and Lee ends up sounding a bit of a twit by basically explaining the joke in an obvious way that makes it sound like he didn’t get Webb’s subtle jibe at all. David still smiles though. It’s hard to tell whom he’s actually smiling at, because his gaze flickers between them both and then it flits away completely, but Lee reminds himself that it shouldn’t matter either way.

“You say ‘No’, you say ‘Lie’…”

“And David, what do you say?” Angus interjects.

“It’s ‘no lie’, it’s true!”

Big laughs from the audience, and the rest of the panels, even David laughs a little at his own impromptu pun, his face scrunching up in that childlike way of his that only ever really happens when he laughs or smiles at his own jokes, amused and apologetic all at once. It very rarely happens, but when it does, it’s the most adorable thing ever.

_Funny_ , he thinks, _not adorable_ funny.

What he says out loud is “Brilliant” and next to him Webb hums in agreement. Lee glances at him, there’s a fondness in his eyes when he looks at David. Lee wonders how close they are, he knows they go way back, but not how far, they’d said they didn’t go to school together, so they would have met as teenager maybe, and they must have really hit it off. Clearly, since they’re still thick as thieves, over a decade later.

Lee’s thoughts run away from him, even as he’s chanting, _you don’t care, you don’t care_ , he really cares. He really wants to know. He wants to know how close they really are. Well, he does and he doesn’t.

He looks between the two of them, the way their eyes are twinkling at each other, the way they’re laughing, so familiar. He looks at David in particular, at his open carefree face, glowing with familiarity and warmth as he looks at Robert Webb, a familiarity and warmth that Lee’s never seen on him before, that David’s never shown him and presumably _felt,_ not with _him_.  A twinge of something unpleasant grabs him by the diaphragm, not his heart, definitely not his heart, because that would be ridiculous.

And when Webb says something about relationships not based on sex and alcohol and David exclaims “You saying you learnt that lesson in 1991?” to great laughs from the audience and Webb, Lee can’t help but to wonder how much David knows about Webb’s experiences, if he shares those experiences, if theirs used to be one of those relationships, and before he knows it his mind is a flurry of images of the two of them, young and bright-eyed, drinking and laughing, and

_No_ , tells himself. _Stop it._

So much for keeping a lid on his feelings.

And as though the whole evening wasn’t already an emotional rollercoaster, Rob Brydon starts complimenting David on his looks all of a sudden, out of nowhere, _talk about ridiculous, what is going on tonigh_

“Not in a gay way!” Rob reassures David, whose lips twitch.

Lee feels his face heat up and quickly looks down in a vain attempt to hide it. Luckily no-one is actually looking at him at the moment.

“Feel a bit weird about this”, David says. “But, you know, thanks…”

As soon as they’ve finished the pick-ups and the audience starts to filter out, Lee more or less sprints towards the dressing room to pick up his things and then leaves quickly. He doesn’t even bother with removing his make-up. Just hurries out of the dressing room and out of the building.

He’s halfway home when it strikes him that he basically just ran away. And then he starts worrying about David’s reaction. Not only did he brush him off before the show, but he also disappeared afterwards, breaking their little tradition of walking together to the tube in one fell swoop. _Maybe he won’t think anything of it, he probably doesn’t even remember the walks, probably didn’t even think of it as a tradition at all._

 

 

Next week David is wary from the start, watching Lee with guarded eyes when he approaches. It makes Lee feel awful and he tries all the harder to be extra nice and friendly, smiling until his cheeks hurt, well aware that he’s only adding insult to injury, but he can’t seem to stop himself. He’s a fucking snowball going down a slope, catching rocks and shit on the way down.

He won’t take off again afterwards, he vows to himself. He won’t leave without explaining himself or even saying ‘goodbye’, David deserves better than that. Of course, he barely gets a word out before David cuts him off and says it’s fine, no explanation necessary, it’s _all fine_. Lee feels anything but. Then something flickers in David’s eyes, a chink in his armour, and Lee knows he’s going to say something else, something real and important and way too scary to deal with right now. So when David swallows the impulse with a glance at the other people around them, Lee makes a break for it before the others take off and leave them alone.

 

 

A new week, a new episode, the anxious glint in David’s eye even more prevalent and his jokes more brilliant. Lee makes the most of their time on stage, relishing in the chemistry that is still there between them, cherishing the interactions, the jibes and the banter, David’s laugh and handclaps. Then running away from it all as soon as the audience fucks off. 

They’re still tip-toeing around each other, but pulling away from each other rather than leaning into the pull from the other person.

It’s not until halfway through the series that Lee realises that they’ve formed a new tradition. Except their old one used to energise them, and this one drains them instead. It’s not just Lee, it’s David too. It might be hitting David even harder, in fact. Every week when Lee shows up he’s looking a little more dejected and Lee feels a little bit worse.

He knows it must be showing on himself as much as it shows on David. Tara’s begun to watch him with worried eyes again and she’s using her gentle voice all the time lately. Noel let him drink all of his booze and rant about fuck knows what well into the early hours of the morning until he passed out on his couch and he didn’t even give him shit for it the next day. Tara didn’t even give him shit for it. _Someone should_ , Lee thinks. _When you act like a fuckwit, someone should definitely give you shit about it._

 

 

Before he knows it, they’re about to film the very last episode of the series. Time flies _when you’re having fun_ , he thinks bitterly. He’s torn between relief and dread. He’s been trying to tell himself that the break will do both himself and David good, that the time apart will put things into perspective, that they’ll both get over this whole thing. He’s been trying, but he’s not been very successful. Especially considering he told himself the very same thing a year ago and if anything, the opposite happened.

They definitely shouldn’t try and resolve anything before the break though, he feels very adamant about that. Or, okay perhaps, _probably_ , they should. But he doesn’t want to. Of that he’s very adamant at least.

Knowing David, he’ll want to try though. And he has been trying, all series he’s been trying to work up the courage but he hasn’t quite got there. Tonight will be his last chance before they go their separate ways and probably won’t see each other for months, so it doesn’t exactly come as a surprise when he stops Lee from brushing by him.

“No, wait”, he says with an urgency in his voice that only comes from having tried to speak up for a long time and then being forced to unexpectedly rush to it, ready or not.

He even backs up so that he stays in front of Lee, angling himself until he’s literally blocking his path and holds his hand out in a universally accepted _Stop_ sign, although it’s a wilted one, complacent and unthreatening.

“Can I have a word?”

Lee’s heart, that seemed to skip a beat as soon as David spoke up, starts hammering away violently again. Before he can find his voice, or even think of something to say, David’s added a “please” that literally cuts right through him. _Stupid frail voice_ , he thinks. _Stupid bloody doe eyes_.

“Yeah”, he says and lets go of a breath that he wasn’t even aware of holding in. “Yeah, of course…”

 “Thank you”, David murmurs and brushes by him to reach for his coat.

They walk in silence, side by side, until they’re out of the building when Lee lets David lead the way. He rounds the corner and stops to face Lee in the exact same spot Lee’s been gearing up to go inside and face him every week.

“Look”, David says with a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

Lee blinks. _What. Did I just tune out again and miss the beginning of that sentence?_

David’s searching his face for something. Lee hopes he’s not expecting a reply, because he’s completely lost as to what they’re even talking about now. David sighs again, then looks away. It’s a bit too dark to see properly but Lee could swear he’s blushing again.

“I… I made a mistake”, David says. “I overstepped a line, and I’m sorry. I’d really like it if we could be friends again, or… something, _anything_ , other than whatever we are right now, because _this_ is driving me crazy and I don’t think I can take much more of it, if we’re going to do another series, I just don’t think I could… it’s just too… Look, I just feel _awful_ okay, I’m really, _really_ sorry…” he trails off.

Lee feels himself go slightly numb, in a floating sensation, like he’s not really attached to himself anymore.

“No”, he murmurs stupidly. “No David you didn’t do anything…”

“No, yes, obviously”, David snaps.

It’s such a relief to hear the sarcasm in David’s voice that Lee almost deflates from it, and at the same time he feels all the blood rush back into his limbs until every one of his nerve endings are tingling painfully. The floating sensation speeds up until everything inside of him seems to be _rushing_ instead, thoughts, feelings, blood, everything.

“Obviously, yes, I can tell that because things are _completely_ normal between us, aren’t they!”

Before he’s thought about it, Lee goes with the rush and surges forward. He catches himself on David’s shoulders, both of them stumbling on the spot, and _oh my fucking god I’m kissing David Mitchell_

David has gone rigid with shock and Lee manages to get through seven panicked _‘fuck’_ s in his head before he relaxes into the touch. It only lasts for a second, then David pulls back. They blink owlishly at each other for a moment. Lee feels some of his panic subside slightly at the sight of David’s face now cleared of anxiety and replaced with a soft look that he’s not sure he’s seen before. But the residual panic must be showing on him somehow, because David’s look softens even further and he gives Lee one of his crooked smiles, _God I’ve missed that_ , and squeezes his arm gently.

“I’m sorry!” Lee blurts out.

“You don’t have to apologise, Lee”, David says.

_But I do_ , Lee thinks, or says, he’s not sure anymore. His mind is a cyclone of confusing bits of thoughts and feelings, some of which contradict each other, all of which are overwhelming.

He’s aware of his own voice, babbling, trying to put these images into comprehensive words that will somehow explain it all but diving as he is, in and out of contexts, it would be a miracle if David has any idea of what he’s talking about. _He_ barely has any idea what he’s talking about.

But somehow he does manage to convey how he’s been feeling for the past year, _too much_ , and how that’s lead to him acting like a coward and a bastard, and how guilt-ridden he’s been about that. He paints the picture of every time that he’s allowed himself to even think about the way he _really_ feels about David and subsequently been mauled by a fifty-fifty mixture of want and anxiety, all of which has made him even more confused.

“But most of all”, he says, amazed by the fact that David is still listening to him, still watching him calmly, still with that crooked smile on his face that has now definitely taken on a reassuring lilt. “Most of all, I’m sorry!”

“For what?”

“For everything! For the twatiness, for the kissing…”

 “You don’t need to apologise for the kiss”, David tells him softly. “The ‘twatiness’ yes… apology accepted.”

“Look”, Lee says, heart hammering so hard now that he’s _sure_ David must hear it. “I like you, I _really_ like you.”

David’s lips twitch. It’s not his amused twitch, it’s his nervous one. And for a moment he gets the appropriate _caught in headlights_ look in his doe eyes.

“I-I like you too…”

“I shouldn’t”, Lee says. “I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I’ve _never felt this way_ , I genuinely don’t know what to do with it, any of it.”

“What?”

“The… you know, feelings. Where to, I don’t know, put them…”

David chokes out a nervous chuckle and for some reason it soothes Lee a bit to be reminded that David’s nervous too.

“It’s… new”, he tells him. “And it’s fucking scary.”

“Because I’m… a man”, David clarifies.

Lee loses momentum for a second. _Yes_ , he supposes, that should definitely be a part of it but if he’s honest with himself, that hadn’t even occurred to him, not _now_ anyway. He can’t tell _David_ that though. So instead he says, “Yeah, that must be it…”

Somehow he gets the feeling that David’s seen through it though, judging by the way his eyes widen in that comical fashion of his. But if he does, he’s eager to play along at least. He tells Lee how much he understands, how confusing he knows it must be, and how _absolutely okay_ and _normal_ that is. He’s stumbling over the words in his hurry to get them out, but the words themselves sound recited and Lee wonders how many times he’s had to tell people it’s okay to doubt their feelings for him. It makes his stomach churn, just thinking about it.

With a deep breath, he steels himself and then he reaches out and gently places his hand on David’s arm, just rests it there. David stammers to a stop mid-sentence. Lee’s fingers tingle where they connect with him. The fast pace of his pulse has become second nature to him during this conversation and he hardly even notices anymore, all of his awareness, every corner of all his senses, have now narrowed into a single point and that is the piece of his skin that is touching David.

Slowly he trails his hand down, until he reaches the end of David’s shirt’s cuff, and he grabs his hand. David’s fingers twitch under his, then slip into the spaces between them until they weave together and the two of them are actually holding hands. Lee squeezes David’s hand slightly and watches his Adam’s apple bob once. Then David licks his lips, and he watches that too. Is transfixed by it.  

“I-I don’t know what this is…” David croaks softly.

“Not too sure myself”, Lee says.

“We should… talk. About this. That is, if you want to…” David cuts himself off, backtracks and tries again, changing the emphasis on his words to guard himself, “That is if you _want_ to.”

“If I want to talk?” Lee asks, even though he knows full well what David’s really saying, or rather what he stopped himself from saying. “Yeah. Yeah I want to.”

David squeezes his hand, then lets go of it.

“T-tomorrow then?”

“Yeah.”

 

 

The next morning when the alarm on his phone goes off, Lee immediately starts to sit up and blinks the sleep from his eyes. Behind him Tara stirs and he contemplates sneaking out of the room before she fully wakes up, but immediately feels a twinge of guilt and stays put, waiting for her to turn towards him so they can whisper good morning to each other. He sits there, senses strained and body tense, for the longest couple of seconds he's ever sat through before, until finally she reaches out an arm and brushes the edge of his t-shirt with her fingers, "Hey... You're up early..."

"Yeah", he murmurs. "Got a meeting at ten, thought I better get an early start."

It disturbs him a little that the lie rolls so smoothly off his tongue. _I blame Would I lie to you_ , he thinks as he pads out into the kitchen.

A while late, he's fixing his hair in front of the bathroom mirror and he's feeling rather good about himself. In fact, despite not getting his hair exactly the way he wants it, he feels great. But then Tara shows up in the doorway behind him, all sleep-tousled and puffy-eyed, giving him a tired but gentle smile and tells him he looks great. After that Lee feels everything but.

He goes through the motions of putting on his jacket, checking his pockets for keys and mobile and wallet, kissing her cheek and saying goodbye, and the entire time he thinks about texting David and cancelling their date.

He still thinks about it as he leaves the house, but with every step he takes his doubts start to fall off him, one by one. By the time he can see the café, he’s got none left.

He can spot David at the edge of the street, approaching the café from the other direction and slows down so that they arrive at the door at the same time. David’s squinting in the sunlight and it triggers the butterflies in Lee’s stomach.

It’s weird when that happens now, now that he knows them for what they are. Before he used to tell himself it was nerves, or after performance endorphins, or general giddiness from having a laugh with _a good friend_. Now that he knows it’s the physical sensation caused by a reduction of blood flow to his stomach as a result of the release of adrenaline in a _fight-or-flight_ situation, in other words the feeling he gets whenever he’s reminded of just _how much he likes David_ and how scary that is, it all feels more real somehow. It feels fantastic, but undeniably and irrevocably real as well.

“Hi”, David says and it’s not a brilliant thing to say, yet that’s exactly what Lee thinks, that’s what his mind blurts out in its usual Pavlovian fashion, _brilliant_.

He obviously can’t trust himself to speak just yet, so he simply smiles in reply.

They do a ridiculous little dance routine at the door, both gesturing for the other to go ahead, then knock their shoulders together when they both start to walk and chuckle nervously.

“You go first”, David says.

As soon as they’re both inside the café, David is wringing his hands anxiously and obviously over-thinking things already. Lee’s not one to speak when it comes to over-thinking things, but the least thing they both need right now is for him to join in, so he decides to ignore David’s fretting and be the calm one today. He walks a little closer to the counter and surveys the various chalkboards hanging from the ceiling with menus written on them in swirly letters. The young Barista with sparkly piercings and a sunny smile greets him and he smiles back, then goes back to scanning the menus as if he’s not having regular coffee at all, which he obviously will.

“Look, Lee”, David says.

_Damn it_ , Lee thinks and turns to look at him.

“Are you sure, I mean do you still want to talk about this, because it’s fine if you don’t, we can just have coffee and catch up, it’s no problem…”

“That what you want?”

“N-no, of course not, but… are you sure you still…”

He swallows, unable to finish the sentence. It’s an out and Lee appreciates it, but it’s the last thing he needs right now. The only thing helping him stay firm on this and not bulk to the fear and cold feet, is the fact that David is actually, visibly trembling.

“Yeah”, he murmurs, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and in a way it is, then adds “But bloody hell, David. Can we at least order first?”

David releases a breath, clearly relieved, and he smiles abashedly at Lee.

“Yes. Sorry.”

Lee smiles as well, or smirks, he’s not entirely sure, but he hopes it comes across as reassuring. Then casually puts a hand against David’s arm, before turning back to the perky girl behind the counter. It wasn’t a pat and it wasn’t exactly a caress either, but the funny thing is, Lee reflects as he once again scans the drinks menu, it didn’t make him feel awkward at all.

David looks particularly happy and carefree, and like he tries to tone it down, as he sidles up to Lee.

“What are you having?” Lee asks him.

David turns to the Barista and orders a latte, while carefully edging in front of Lee and he realises that David just called dibs on paying for them both. It could have been that he thought they should both pay separately, if it wasn’t for the fact that he didn’t move away, but turned to look at Lee expectantly when the Barista asked him “And what about you, Sir?”

“Um, yeah, I’ll have… do you even do regular coffee, or is it all frothy drinks?”

“No”, the girl chuckles. “We have regular coffee. Is that everything?”

“Do you want to share a piece of cake?” David asks him, _is that symbolic?_ , David’s voice is the perfect imitation of casual, but the nervousness is clearly visible in his eyes.

“Yeah, that sounds great”, Lee replies, silently adding to himself _I’d share anything with you right now_ and realises to his mild, butterflying horror that it’s absolutely true.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 4 out of 8 in this fic, the first in the series of 4.


	5. Cup of coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I’d known it’d be this long before I’d see you again…”
> 
> “What?” David asks and he sounds a little out of breath again. It makes Lee’s belly do another cartwheel or whatever it is it does whenever David talks this way, or any way, or not at all.

It’s a bleak day. _Of course it is_. Lee glares half-heartedly at the grey sky and takes a final drag on his cigarette before stomping it out. He’s got half a mind to skip this meeting altogether. _Looks like rain as well_. But he pulls up his coat collar against the wind and trudges on regardless.

Part of him is well aware that his biggest incentive for visiting the BBC is the minute possibility of running into David. It’s now been months, _well two and a half_ , since their second coffee date and before then it had been weeks, _two_ , since the first one.

Lately David seems to be on every panel show on air and combined with both _That Mitchell & Webb Look_ and _Peep Show_ , he literally has no spare time. Not that Lee has been very idle either, what with his recent stand-up tour and now _Not Going Out_ getting picked up again. For the past few weeks the only contact they’ve had is via text messaging and the odd phone call. It’s probably rather sad that hearing David’s voice over the tinny reception of his mobile phone is the only time Lee feels really alive nowadays.

They ran into each other once a few weeks back. Lee had been on his way to a meeting then as well and David, having just had a break after rehearsals was heading back to the recording of whatever show he’d been shooting that day. The wobbly smile on his face, combined with that unmistakable sharp sheen in his eyes, as they stood facing each other in the hallway both swaying slightly from fighting the impulse to move closer, had been the highlight of Lee’s, not week but month.

He’s tried focusing on what was being said at the meeting, but all he could think of was that brief run-in he’d just had with David. He kept playing it again and again in his mind. It’d only lasted about a minute, but it had been a minute of subtext-heavy small talk that captured and held his conscious mind and concentration hostage for days after.

 

 

“Hello”

“Hi, what… what are you doing here?” _I can’t believe you’re here_

“Oh I’ve got this… thing” _God I’ve missed you_

“Yeah, me too…”

“You look… well” _I really want to kiss you right now_

 

 

It would be a complete lie if he’d pretend not to be hoping for a similar situation today as he’s making his way across the city to the BBC. It _is_ sad, he decides. For weeks he’s been hoping they’d both find a window in their respective schedules and be able to have a third date. Now, he’d take a smile in a corridor. And be just as happy.

It was David who had called him, but Lee had been in the middle of dinner with his family and couldn’t take the call. Later, he’d gone for a walk and phoned him back. David answered immediately, which isn’t as suggestive nowadays when everyone’s got a portable phone, but Lee still think it showed some eagerness.

David didn’t say “Hello”, he never did when he was alone, he said “Lee” and it always warmed Lee’s heart to hear David speak his name, in any context but especially in that breathy way that you could only really hear on the phone and that suggested a sort of intimacy that was almost more palpable across the distance than in person.

The conversation itself, not unlike every other telephone conversation they’d ever had, contained more pauses than actual words but it still did all sorts of funny things to Lee’s insides. Even with no danger of being overheard, they were both careful with their sentiments as though they were scared to scare the other off. Which is probably true, Lee thinks.

This time though, David had actually been bold enough to ask Lee out on a second date. Sort of. He’d taken a shaky breath to steel himself then stuttered out fragments of an actual sentence that hinted towards a second date.

“L-Look, I-I don’t know if you, would you, I-I mean I have next Friday off, I don’t know if you do, but, you’re probably busy, are you? busy?”

Lee _had_ been busy as it happens, but it hadn’t been a big deal and he could easily shift his schedule around that time, so he’d told David that he wasn’t.

“Oh”, David exhaled, clearly relieved, “Good. That’s good.”

“We could go for a coffee again?” Lee had suggested, _so technically_ I _was the one asking_ David _out_ , and David had stammered out something polite about that being lovely. “Alright. It’s a date…”

 

 

Lee slows down as the broadcasting house comes into view at the other end of the street. He lights another cigarette, well aware that he’s turning into a chain smoker and makes another empty vow to himself to cut down, _tomorrow_. He palms his mobile through the fabric of his coat pocket. He knows he probably shouldn’t call David, not during working hours, not when he’s got a somewhat important meeting in fifteen minutes, not when he _knows_ David is busy. Well he doesn’t _know_. But what are the odds that he’s not, he’s always busy, working as he is 24/7. But by that reckoning, he thinks, all hours of the day are working hours for David so it shouldn’t really matter when he calls him. _What’s the worst that can happen? He’ll be too busy to pick up the phone, so he won’t pick up the phone._

He still shouldn’t call though. He could text, he thinks. Then, _no, no you really shouldn’t. You’re going to scare him off, you desperate idiot_.

He stomps the cigarette out. _Fuck it_

Grabbing his mobile he quickly thumbs out a message and sends it off before he has a chance to change his mind, “On way to bbc meeting, u around?”

David’s reply doesn’t reach him until he’s taking his seat at the BBC execs table just as the meeting is about to commence. He feels it vibrate in his pocket and quickly scans the message, “Sadly not” Lee smiles to himself, David is the only person he knows that uses proper spelling and grammar when he writes text messages, “I’m on location shooting a sketch for Mitchell & Webb Look. I’ll probably be done at about 5 if you want to give me a ring?”

“Deal”, Lee types back before putting the mobile away again.

 

 

Their second date had been much the same as the first, with them fidgeting and smiling nervously at each other over coffee and a shared piece of cheese cake, the only but imperative difference being that by the end of it Lee had asked David if he could walk him home, “or wherever you’re heading after this…”

“No I’m going home”, David had said quickly.

“No I can’t walk you home because you’re going home?”

“No”, David had chuckled. “You can walk me home.”

They’d gone off the tube several stops before the one David usually got off at, just to make it last a bit longer, as if to make up for all those post-recording walks they’d missed out on this series. They’d chatted freely the whole way. Somehow it felt easier to do that when they weren’t sitting opposite each other in the confines of a cosy café but walking side by side, the intimate but scary eye contact replaced by the occasional shoulder bump.

As they reached David’s house, they’d both slowed down their pace and their conversation had tapered off. It had been a comfortable silence during those last few steps, their silences usually were. In fact, so far in the time they’ve known each other, they’ve been more comfortable not talking than talking. Lee’s not sure what that says about their relationship, considering they both have careers in talking essentially. _Maybe that we’re completely ourselves, our_ real _selves, when we’re alone together. Fuck but that’s cheesy, Lee…_

“Well this is me”, David had said.

He’d had his hands in his pockets and rolled on the balls of his feet. Lee had waited until he’d lifted his gaze from the ground between them, then taken the tiniest of steps closer to him. Something that could have been fear flashed by in David’s eyes, but he stayed put. There was a moment of mutual hesitation when they both swayed slightly on their feet, resisting the pull from the other, and Lee hadn’t been able to avoid thinking that there was definitely a kiss in the air, but that they were both too unsure, too scared, to grab it.

“Right then”, he’d said.

And without thinking too much about it he’d reached out and pulled David into a one-armed hug. After half-a-second’s shock, David put both arms around Lee and hugged him back. Lee had turned his head slightly towards David’s, more or less pressing his nose into the side of his neck, then nuzzled the hair just behind his ear, unable to resist the urge to inhale his scent. David had shivered and tightened his embrace a little further.

Lee had thought to himself at the time that this was the closest they’d ever been. Even when Lee had surged in and kissed David they hadn’t been this close. Apart from their mouths and Lee’s hands on David’s shoulders and David’s fingertips on his hips, they hadn’t really touched at all. Now, as they stood hugging on the street outside David’s building, they were basically pressed together from head to toe. Well, maybe not _toe_ , but head to knees at least. The warmth from David’s body had engulfed him. The bare skin of his neck brushed David’s where they slotted together. He even imagined feeling David’s breath through the fabric of his shirt, which he knows can’t be true but just the thought of it made him shiver.

 

 

Lee’s well aware that this thing between himself and David has now moved way beyond a meaningless or even minor crush. He does feel quite bad about that. When he’s at home with his family he feels more than bad, he feels gut-wrenchingly guilty. On the other hand, when his family isn’t around and he remembers that hug, or that first kiss, or just talking to David, or when he hears his voice over the phone, or even sees his name on the display on his mobile, he doesn’t feel bad at all.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster and he’s not sure how he’s going to be able to survive it or even stand it. Not that he has a choice. There’s no alternative. If he could choose not to feel this way, if there was something he could do to stop having these feelings for David, then he would have done it already. But there isn’t as far as he knows and he feels what he feels. In a way, as much as the thought of it pains him, it would probably be better for everyone if David came to his senses and finished with _him_. Because there’s no way Lee will ever be able to end it. And they should, they really should end it. Before it goes too far. And if David ends it, then the only person who would suffer would be him and _frankly_ , it’s no more than he deserves, he thinks.

He stomps his trainers on with a little too much force than strictly necessary and calls out to the house in general that he’s going outside for a smoke.

As soon as he rounds the corner of the house he gets his mobile out, he’s dialled David’s number before he’s even found his lighter.

“Hello”, David’s voice says after only two rings, his voice is rushed but still breathy and Lee shivers.

He helloes back and David says “Hi…” like it’s a nice surprise, even though he must have known it was Lee even before he answered the call, voice all warmth and prolonged syllable. There’s something about the quality to his voice that suggests he’s holding the phone really close to his mouth and it feels strangely intimate, even more intimate than if he was physically close for some reason.

There are people in the background and he expects David to tell him that he can’t talk, but he doesn’t. He says to hang on and then the background noises slowly subside, then disappear entirely with the dull thud of a door closing.

“There”, David says. “I’m back.”

“You still on location?” Lee asks curiously, wasting precious David-minutes before he can stop himself.

“No”, David tells him. Then as an afterthought, “I’m in the pub with some of the others…”

“The other…?”

“A few people from the show.”

_Don’t_

“Oh, you’re with Webb.”

_Oh smooth, that didn’t come off as jealous at all, you tit_

“Yeah, Robert’s here as well. Why?”

“No reason”, Lee says quickly, possibly a bit too quickly, _now leave it_ , “You sure you can talk then, if you’re in the middle of something…?”

David chuckles, nervously, and Lee can picture the look of confusion on his face perfectly.

“Yes, of course. Otherwise I’d tell you.”

“Good. Awesome.” _Idiot_

“Anyway”, David says. “How was _your_ day? You had a meeting at the BBC, how did that go?”

“Fine”, Lee says. “I bloody hate those, though. But it went alright I guess.”

“So, you’re good…?”

“Yeah, sure”, Lee says, not even believing it himself. “No. No, I’m not. I really miss you…”

“…I miss you too”, David says and sounds like he really means it.

“If I’d known it’d be this long before I’d see you again…”

“What?” David asks and he sounds a little out of breath again.

It makes Lee’s belly do another cartwheel or whatever it is it does whenever David talks this way, _or any way, or not at all_

“I’d have kissed you like I wanted to.”

David lets out a shaky sigh and it seems to vibrate through the airways between them. Lee knows that’s impossible. Doesn’t change the fact that he can feel it though.

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“I did too. I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted to kiss _you_ , but I guess I didn’t want to, I don’t know, scare you off…”

“I’m not a blushing virgin you know”, Lee says, hoping to relieve some of the sexual tension developing in the conversation before he’s got a real problem on his hands.

It works. David chuckles again, and not nervously this time.

“No”, he admits. “But you _are_ straight.”

There’s an awkward pause. Lee wonders which would be worse, if he disagreed with David and tried to explain the newfound dimensions of his own sexuality that he doesn’t even understand himself yet, or if he agreed with him and implied that his feelings for David are even more special than he’s already gone and implied, _because that would go over well, “You see David I never felt anything for another man until I met you”_

Although technically true, no-one would buy that. Lee doesn’t even buy it himself and he _knows_ it’s true.

“Well”, David says awkwardly when it becomes clear that Lee is neither going to agree nor disagree with him. “Straight- _ish_ anyway.”

_Yeah that works._

“Yeah that works.”

“Anyway”, David says again, probably to avoid another pause as long as there’s still an awkward air between them. “My day was fine too, filming went okay. We ran over by about two hours though. I’m really tired, I probably won’t stick around here for much longer…”

“Not having fun with Webb, and the others, then?”

“No it’s not that, I’m just really tired… and I wish you were here.”

“Why, would that make you less tired?” Lee teases.

“No, but I’d have a stronger incentive to _ignore_ how tired I am if you were here and I would stay for at least a couple of more pints…”

“Fair enough”, Lee says. “Probably just as well I’m not then, wouldn’t want to be the reason you’d have to go to work unrested tomorrow.”

“You saying I need my beauty sleep? Because I don’t think that even constitutes as a backhanded compliment, I think it’s just a verbal backhand.”

“No, you idiot”, Lee chuckles, then with his pulse quickening, adds “Just… rather than being the reason you have another pint despite being tired, I’d much prefer to be the reason you _are_ tired…”

“Oh God”, David groans. “That was _cheesiest_ thing I have _ever_ heard in my life, and I am _mortified_ to admit that I found it _incredibly sexy_ …”

Lee laughs at that.

“That’s me”, he quips. “Cheesy and sexy! Two for the price of one!”

“Oh yes, laugh it up you”, David deadpans. “But I am severely turned on over here. Over that monstrosity of a line. I may never be able to look my own reflection in the eye ever again.”

Lee snorts, but keeps chuckling. It gets stuck in his throat though when the background noises on David’s end reappear and the muted but unmistakable voice of Robert Webb says David’s name, then “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise…”

“Sorry”, David tells Lee after a beat. “Just Robert.”

“Right”, Lee says, because he can’t think of what else _to_ say.

Suddenly he’s aware of how cold he is standing out here. He looks at his watch and realises that he’s been out “smoking” for over twenty minutes.

“Look, I should probably head back”, he tells David.

“Oh”, David replies, trying and only half succeeding to disguise the disappointment in his voice. “Right. Yeah, of course.”

“I really miss you though. No joke or anything.”

“Yeah, no, I… I miss you too, Lee.”

“Okay, well… good night, David.”

“Yeah. Good night…”

 

 

Just once, Lee thinks, he’d like to end a phone call with David feeling as good as he does at the start of it. 


	6. Happy New Year!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages since Lee saw David. He's knows it's ridiculous to want someone this much, so much that you ache for them. But just seeing David's name on his mobile display send a jolt through him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long.

 

 

Lee’s reluctant to go to this party. Organised parties aren’t really his thing. Also, Tara has arranged for the kids to stay at her mother’s and it just doesn’t sit right with Lee to not celebrate New Year’s with your children, remembering the New Year’s parties of his childhood when the pub would be alive with happy-drunk and hopeful patrons and friends and family, lots of sweets and sparkles around and a genuine sense of magic in the air. Tara disagreed though, saying Christmas is the children’s holiday whereas New Year’s Eve is the opportunity for the grown-ups to get pissed and create illusions for themselves about how things are going to get better in the future.

“And”, she adds impishly. “It’s the most romantic holiday…”

“How’s that then?” he asks her.

“Kissing at the stroke of midnight!”

“Right”, Lee says, and doesn’t even bother to push the image of David’s crooked smile out of his mind, resigned at this point to have him permanently on stand-by. “Surely that’s for people looking to hook up though, not people who are already married…”

Tara rolls her eyes.

“Romantic as a voucher, as always…” she mutters, but there’s a fond glint in her eyes all the same.

A glint that only gets fonder the more of a fuss Lee makes over having to wear a tie and that he apparently only owns one dress shirt that isn’t too embarrassing to wear and it is too tight.

“You look stunning”, Tara assures him gently and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Lee chooses not to retort, knowing that it is impossible to give your honest opinion of your own looks without leading people to believe that you’re fishing for compliments. Also, a small part of him is thankful for the reassurance, but doesn’t want to spoil it by having it exaggerated and made into a big deal.

By the time they’ve met up with a couple of friends and Lee’s got a few drinks in him, he’s actually starting to enjoy himself. Tara is looking radiant, more beautiful than ever in her low-key gown and genuinely happy as she’s chatting away with a couple of people Lee vaguely recognises from some greenroom somewhere.

Looking at Tara, Lee feels a tingling warmth start to stir inside of him. He recognises the feeling immediately, it’s familiar enough. _It’s love_ , pure and simple. Which is all in order considering she’s his wife of ten odd years. But the problem is, he realises with a building sense of ill-ease, it’s nowhere near his feelings for David. Not anymore, if it ever was. In fact, the love he’s feeling now, looking at his beautiful wife and essentially his best friend, is decidedly platonic. It used to be that she was his wife and lover first and best friend second and he’s not sure when that changed, but it has. There’s no getting around it anymore.

Suddenly, he’s feeling a little nauseous. For a split second he considers the possibility of having had too much to drink, but he quickly dismisses the idea and decides that he hasn’t drunk nearly enough and decides to remedy that as soon as possible.

Making his way over to the bar, he makes his first New Year’s resolution and that is to get wasted before the new year starts and not investigate his feelings for either David or Tara any further, not tonight. He orders two whiskey colas from the stroppy barman and turns back around. But being indecisive about where to go next, he stays put, leaning back against the bar slightly. Which is the best place to be if he’s to maintain a steady intake of alcohol throughout the night, he figures.

Suddenly, someone squeezes past two fellows standing slightly in front of Lee and pushes up close to the bar next to him. Lee’s heart jolts. _David_.

Two conflicting thoughts pop into his head immediately, a quite bitter _of course_ balanced by a more abstract cheer of joy that isn’t a thought so much as a feeling.

David’s eyes widen when he sees Lee, as does his smile before he’s had a chance to reign it in.

“Lee”, he murmurs by ways of greeting, a whole myriad of emotions crammed into that one syllable.

Before Lee’s really thought about it, he’s leaning in to embrace him. _That’s fine though,_ he thinks. _That’s what friends do, they hug each other_ hello _, and_ goodbye _, nothing suspicious about that._

The scent of David’s cologne sneaks up on him and he feels slightly faint, it’s also enough to make his abdomen stir to life with arousal. The whiskey is starting to really kick in by this point. Maybe that’s why he’s tingling all over, but it’s unlikely. He imagines feeling David’s heartbeat against his own as the other man more or less melts into him. _Too long_ , his brain is telling him. _Too long for a_ hello _hug._

Reluctantly, he lets David go and sways back a little. He notices a distinctly misty sheen in David’s eyes. _And he’s not even drunk_ , Lee reminds himself. _Not that I noticed anyway._

Russell Brand is watching him from the other end of the bar, a gleeful smirk on his face. _Fuck off_ , Lee thinks then groans internally when the eccentric man winks at him. _Not good, definitely not good._

Then out of nowhere Miranda Hart’s descended on him with tipsy hugs and kisses followed by hysterical giggles, and before he knows it, he’s being dragged off, either by Miranda or someone else, he’s not quite sure. He wants to object and tell them to fuck off and leave him alone so that he can keep looking into David Mitchell’s eyes and breathe in his cologne, but fortunately he’s still sober enough to realise that that wouldn’t be the best idea in the world.

The room isn’t spinning exactly but the contours of its contents have definitely started to blur. Tara is suddenly next to him, clutching at his arm and grinning. Her eye shadow has smudged a little, but it just makes her look more beautiful if that’s even possible.

Lee sways a little. Looking around, he spots David again. The other man is still standing close to the bar, watching him coyly even as some friends of his pushes close and tries to engage him in ecstatic conversation. One of them, even more wasted than Lee, throws his arm around David and leans into him. David staggers under his weight and they almost stumble to the floor. The guy only laughs as David steadies them both and gives him a look of mixed fondness and exasperation.

Suddenly people start chanting numbers around him. He watches as David disentangles himself gently from his friend, then looks over at Lee again. Next to him, Tara sneaks her hand into his and squeezes slightly. But Lee can’t tear his eyes away from David. For whatever reason, being spellbound by David or halfway to smashed, the rest of the room is just a spinning blur around them.

The countdown reaches zero and there’s definitely a heated look in David’s eyes now.

Lee realises, even though he knows it would be completely impossible, he should be kissing David right now.

There’s a massive cheer all around them and people yell “Happy New Year!”

The corner of David’s mouth twitched slightly, then he holds up his drink in a subtle toast. Lee mirrors the gesture. Only when Tara lets go of his hand does it really register with him that she’s standing right there, trying to get his attention. He finally turns away from David and looks at her. She’s frowning at him and he almost feels bad, or he would do if he wasn’t so drunk. The cheers subside into a regular party murmur and someone turns up the music again.

“I’ll get you a voucher”, he tells her.

It’s meant to be cheeky, but comes out sounding rather bitter instead. Tara gives him a twitchy smile that definitely doesn’t reach her eyes.

The rest of the night passes in a blur. But when he comes to the next day, _or afternoon rather_ , even through his headache he remembers the look David gave him the night before and their non-kiss. In fact, he can’t stop thinking about it.

That night Lee breaks their unspoken rule to keep any text messages they send each other inconspicuous and writes: “I really miss you”.

Five minutes later he receives David’s reply: “Me too. I don’t have anything until 11 tomorrow. Coffee?”

 

 

Lee arrives at the café at nine. David is already there, waiting for him outside. Without thinking about it, Lee grabs him by the hand and pulls him insides without so much as a _hello_ and after ordering their coffees quickly, keeps pulling until they’re standing out of sight by the toilets. He stops abruptly and turns to David as the espresso machine starts whirring behind them.

David is watching him with wide eyes and opens his mouth to speak, but Lee steps closer to him and grabs him gently by the head, stunning the words right out of him. Lee resists the temptation to be cheesy and say something along the lines of _Just wanted to say hello_ , or simply _Hello_ , and instead leans in and captures David’s lips with his own.

David melts into him immediately. Lee lets his hands slide further into David’s hair, massaging his scalp with his fingertips and marvelling at just how _soft_ his hair really is.

Breaking the kiss and leaning back again, David’s eyes are still closed, but when they do open again he’s still staring owlishly at him, as though he can’t really believe any of this is happening.

 _Happy new year_ , Lee wants to say.

“Coffee’s probably done”, he says instead.

David nods quickly. _Wonder if I actually made him speechless_ , Lee thinks and decides to start a score of how many times he can make the other man at a loss for words.

 

 

Finishing their coffees and shared piece of cake, they put their jackets on and leave the café. Lee isn’t walking David home, since he’s not actually heading home. He’s got a pre-production meeting at the BBC and Lee’s got rehearsals later in the afternoon at the other side of town. So instead they linger at the street corner, both reluctant to say _good bye_. Lee watches David’s hands as he zips up his jacket and can’t help but miss having those hands on his waist, replaying their kiss in his mind.

“Well”, David croaks nervously.

Lee notices the way he’s shuffling his feet slightly and realises he’s about to say or do something that is fairly scary for him. Even though he knows it’s a terrible idea, Lee still hopes it’s kiss him _good bye_. But it isn’t. Instead David asks him if he would consider having coffee at David’s flat the next time, possibly next week, and if so then maybe they could have dinner as well, while they’re at it.

“I-if you want…”

“Sounds great”, Lee says.

David looks startled for some reason.

“R-really? You’re not being sarcastic?”

Lee snorts and rolls his yes.

“You’re right. I’m not being sarcastic. I would love to have dinner at your place…”

David breathes out shakily and smiles, “Alright…”

 

 

 

David is looking a bit flushed when he opens the door. Lee can picture him running around the kitchen, frantically trying to finish up cooking the meal while simultaneously setting the table and knowing David, having a prolonged debate with himself over whether or not to light any candles and getting himself worked up into quite a state. He looks great though, Lee notices. So he had time to shower and change, at least. _And put on cologne probably_ , Lee thinks, feeling a jolt of anticipation in his belly.

He moves in for a hug and breathes in deeply, because he _can_ , and lets both the scent and feel of David overwhelm his senses.

 

“Hello to you too”, David murmurs against the crook of his neck.

 

Lee tightens the embrace slightly, then steps back again but lets his hand linger on David’s arm.

 

“Hope you’re hungry”, he adds.

 

“Famished”, Lee says and lets David lead him into the flat.

 

“I’ll give you the grand tour”, David says in his comedian voice and gestures smoothly towards what is obviously the living room area and seems to take up most of the flat. “This is the living room, you’ll notice the original window sills and mouldings in the ceiling, the mould along the floor below the window however is a new addition…”

 

Lee chuckles, “Very nice…”

 

“Through there is Robert’s room and the bathroom”, David continues, gesturing. “And if you would follow me this way, we’ll come through to the kitchen, where you’ll notice another original feature…”

 

“The cupboards?” Lee says as they enter the kitchen area, clearly visible from where they were standing already.

 

“No, no, no”, David says, his hand doing that wavy thing that it does, as though trying to physically wave the suggestion away. “The refrigerator.”

 

 Lee laughs heartily and doesn’t mention the fact that David failed to mention his own bedroom. Instead he takes in the table, with candles, and the kitchen counter that is only half cleared of the mess created by David cooking.

 

“Oh yeah”, he says. “Victorian, is it?”

 

David smiles crookedly. There’s a smug glint in his eyes and Lee thinks he’s probably feeling happy with himself for making Lee laugh, despite both of them being fairly nervous.

 

“So where is Robert this evening?”

 

“Oh, he’s out for the night”, David replies casually, then blushes at the way that sounded. “Not because you and I, he was already going out, I didn’t tell him to go!”

 

Lee just smiles and takes a seat at the table. He tells David the food smells amazing. David offers him a drink. Then they’re eating and Lee’s all warm and fluttery inside. There’s a definite, all too familiar, nervous and sparking energy between them. Familiar but multiplied by ten compared to all the other dates leading up to this one. And compared to other dates that Lee’s been on, multiplied by at least twenty. There’s an obvious sexual tension between them, even more palpable than usual and they keep up the banter to distract themselves from it.  

 

Lee can’t tear his eyes away from David. He thinks it must be creepy to have someone stare at you while you’re eating, but David doesn’t seem to mind it. Quite the opposite. He’s practically beaming throughout the dinner.

 

When they’ve finished their meals, Lee helps David put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and then leans his hip against the counter next to David and watches him make coffee, standing perhaps a little too close.

 

"You know”, David says with a nervous chuckle, trying not to spill any coffee beans by trembling too much. “I've never found it very difficult to make coffee before..."  

 

“You know”, Lee mimics with an impish smile. "When people invite other people back to their place for a coffee, it's usually an innuendo…"

 

"Well", David says. "So far, when we've gone for 'coffee', 'coffee' has been 'coffee', so I thought, 'why break tradition'..."

 

He finally gets the right amount of beans into the machine and for a moment neither can say anything, the whole flat filled with the loud noise of coffee beans being ground. But as soon as the noise stops again, Lee leans a little closer and lowers his voice conspiratorially.

 

“That was different”, he confides. “I was wooing you then…”

 

David snorts out a chuckle and continues making the coffee, but a second later, about to fill up the coffee pot with water he stops abruptly.

 

"Hang on, just a second, _you_ were woeing _me_?"

 

Lee grins cheekily, “Yep!”

 

David puts the pot down, coffee completely forgotten and points to the ceiling, a tell-tale sign that he’s about to start to drop a logic bomb on you or start ranting. Lee swallows down a laugh, fairly successfully, and lurches forward to grab the pot from him.

 

“Oh, just give me that, we’ll never get any coffee at this rate-!”

 

David instinctively holds the pot out of reach, causing Lee to press their bodies together as he reaches for it, still pointing stubbornly, but not so much at the ceiling anymore but at Lee. _Always needs to get the last word_ , Lee thinks fondly.

 

“No, no, no, I am not going to let you take the credit for this-!”

 

Lee grazes David’s side with his fingers gently in a cheap move to distract him and the other man yelps and quickly moves his arm down to protect himself from being tickled further, allowing Lee to nip the coffee pot from him. He skips backwards a step, but David makes no move to get the pot back off him.

 

“I was definitely wooing _you_ ”, he insists though. “You were _straight_ before we met!”

 

“So”, Lee exclaimed childishly. “ _I_ kissed _you_ -”

 

“Yes, well-“ David splutters.

 

“Both times!”

 

“I was being chivalrous!”

 

Lee finally cracks up laughing then. David smiles and shakes his head slightly. Putting the still-empty pot down on the counter, Lee steps up close to him again and starts to cup his head and lean in, but David jerks back immediately.

 

“What?” Lee says.

 

“ _I’m_ kissing _you_ this time”, David says, then leans closer again.

 

Lee barely has time to roll his eyes, before David has captured his lips. He tilts his head a bit to the side and deepens the kiss. Lee moans into his mouth and puts his arms around him, hugging him close, wanting to feel him all over. David sucks his lower lip into his mouth and the sensation goes straight to Lee’s groin.

 

But when David’s hands start trailing down his waist, he is suddenly seized by an irrational but almost panicked self-consciousness and instinctively breaks their kiss again. He doesn't step away, or even tilt his head away, just rests it against David's while he catches his breath.

He has to stop himself from putting his hands on David's arms and push them away from him, inexplicably terrified all of a sudden by the possibility of them roaming all over his upper body. His upper body that is, he now remembers, far from fit.

In fact, if he’s being completely honest with himself, he's really let himself go these past couple of years and the problem is, _well it isn't usually a problem quite the opposite, but now it is_ , because of his long horse face, he can actually pass for a rather skinny bloke as long as he's dressed, _and no-one's feeling me up._

"What's wrong?" David asks him breathlessly.  
  
"Nothing", Lee murmurs immediately.

He can tell David doesn't believe him for a minute _and why would he when I’m suddenly more tense than Ann Widdecombe in a Pride parade_. He squeezes David's shoulders gently, then lets his hands trail down his arms slowly and squeezes them too.

“It’s nothing, it’s stupid…” he mumbles.

“You want to stop?”

“N-no…”

 _Not the most convincing answer_ , Lee thinks. But he doesn’t want to stop, he never wants to stop. He can feel David start to pull back, and tightens his grip of his arms to keep him close.  
  
"I just remembered..." he mutters, feeling his face heat up. "That I'm not the fittest bloke in the world, and it just struck me that you might not have realised how fat I am before because what with my horse face I look a lot skinnier than I actually am..."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"And I got worried that you'd be, I don't know, turned off... Or something..."  
  
"Lee..."  
  
"Sorry, I'm stupid" Lee mumbles.

He finally lets go of David’s arms and starts to step back. But this time it’s David that tightens his grip on him, on his waist, and holds him still. He glances up at David's face and the other man just gives him a _look_. Then without saying anything he trails his hands up Lee's chest, taking his time, and continuing up his neck and gently cupping his head before leaning in to capture his lips again.

This kiss is soft, shallow but heartfelt. And Lee completely forgets about his beer belly for a minute and just lets the kiss overtake him.

David's hands trail back down again, kneading his shoulders for a moment before going back to his chest he rubs them up and down a couple of times before sliding them across Lee's midriff and  continuing to his back.  
  
There's something about having a couple of strong arms around his body, pulling him close, that is surprisingly erotic, Lee realises. He presses closer to David and combs his fingers through is hair, _his silky hair_ , and deepens the kiss again.  
  
The next time they come up for air, David gives him another look, but it's softer this time, as well as heavy-lidded with arousal. _Which is also erotic_. _To see that look on David's face, as he's looking right back at you,_ Lee shivers and snatches another quick kiss.  
  
"You're mental", David says.  
  
"What have I done now?"  
  
"You've got to know how attracted I am to you?"  
  
Lee feels his face heat up again.  
  
"Alright, alright, can we just forget I said anything..." he mutters.  
  
"I'd point out I'm not exactly calendar material myself, but I rather not turn this into a teenage girl conversation where we sit around  comparing our looks, so _yes_ , we can forget you said anything... But, just for the record, I am extremely and ridiculously attracted to you... I'd have hoped you could tell..."  
  
Lee grins and rocks his hips against David's gently, causing David's eyes to glaze over again.

"Likewise."  
  
"Alright", David says and gently pushes Lee half a step back. "I think we should probably stop now..."  
  
Lee knows he's right, but he still feels a bit of disappointment start to churn in his belly. He nods though, and smiles a little.  
  
"Yeah, you're probably right..."  
  
"Because if we don't, I won't be able to hold back much longer, and as much as I want to... just... drag you into my bedroom right now and..." he swallows thickly. "You have no idea how much I want to, but I think that would definitely be moving too fast..."  
  
"Yeah, I want that too… Don't think I've ever wanted anything as much in my life."  
  
"We really shouldn't, not tonight", David says regretfully.  
  
"I know", Lee says and kisses him softly. "I know we should take things slow, I know _I_ need to take things slow... This is all frighteningly new to me, I shouldn't just jump into it like I jump into everything else. I don't want to ruin this."  
  
"Yeah..." David agrees.

He rubs Lee's arms softly as he speaks. There's a lingering want in the gesture, but not necessarily sexual, just intimate.  
  
 _I bet he's a cuddler_ , Lee thinks and the idea tickles him somehow. That's the only way he can think to describe it, _tickling_.


	7. tea or coffee?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have really started to heat up between them. Lee would be terrified if he wasn't so ecstatic.

 

 

Lee checks the time on his mobile for a second time. He’s been stalling here outside David’s house for a quarter of an hour, unable to take the last few steps just yet. He’s gasping for a cigarette, but feels reluctant to show up on David’s doorstep reeking of smoke, even though David is a smoker himself. _Although_ , he thinks. _He’s been smoking a lot less recently, so he might be trying to quit._ Regardless, it’s not a very attractive quality, to reek of smoke so he stomps out the impulse anyway.

Last time he was here he’d been really nervous, not just because it was the first time he got to see the place where David lives and essentially being let into his sanctum, but also because it was going to be the first time since this whole thing started, _or ever really_ , that they would be alone with each other, far away from curious eyes. Also, it was going to be a real, proper date with candle-lit dinner and everything.

Now he’s here a second time, you’d think he’d feel less nervous, but he’s not. Quite the opposite. He’s thinks back to where they left things off a week ago. He thinks about David’s mouth, all hot and wet, his lips tickling and his tongue teasing. He thinks about surprisingly strong arms around him and hands roaming all over his body like they couldn’t get enough of him. He thinks about David growing hard against him. _If we don’t stop now, I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself_

Just thinking about it sends a tingling jolt through his abdomen. _Fuck_ but he wants David to lose control.

Taking a deep breath, Lee takes the stairs two steps at a time and rings the doorbell before he loses his nerve again.

David looks just as flushed today as he did the first time, but when he’s lead Lee into the flat he can see that the kitchen as well as the rest of the flat is immaculate.

David is fidgeting with a napkin and it’s actually quite calming to be reminded that he isn’t the only one who’s nervous. He moves in for a quick kiss and David smiles into it while relaxing almost entirely.

“Hungry?” he asks softly.

“Always”, Lee replies and David’s smile grows a little.

“Where’d you learn to cook anyway?” he asks halfway through the meal, fighting hard against the impulse to just wolf if all down.

David just shrugs.

“I didn’t. Just got a recipe off the internet… Oh _what_!” he adds. “I’m not _completely_ inept when it comes to technology. I do own a computer you know!”

“Yeah, I _know_ ”, Lee says. “I just figured you saw it more as a modern typewriter, I didn’t know you used the _internet_!”

He gives David a teasing smile and the other man just rolls his eyes and refrains from retorting.

“Well, it’s good anyway”, Lee says a little more seriously.

“Yeah, it’s alright”, David agrees.

“Of course nothing beats baked beans on toast”, Lee adds.

“You’re _officially_ a barbarian”, David announces but there’s a definite smile lurking by the edges of his mouth and as soon as Lee laughs it starts pulling in earnest on the corner of his mouth.

They fall back into comfortable silence as they both finish their meals. David starts clearing the table and Lee gets up to help him.

“Oh not those”, David says as Lee is about to put the glasses into the dishwasher. “Ehm, those are, you wash those by hand, just… put them by the sink and I’ll sort it out later. Thank you…”

“Alright”, Lee says and puts the glasses down, being deliberately careful thinking they must be really important to David for some reason.

“Thanks”, David murmurs, a lot closer to him than he was before.

Turning around, Lee finds that he’s indeed moved closer and is now standing within touching distance. He reaches out for him, just because he’s _right there_ and he can, and because that small crooked smile does all sorts of things to him.

“I was thinking…” David says, as Lee pulls him slowly closer by the hips until they’re standing mere centimetres apart. “Maybe instead of coffee we could have a brandy, if you like. Do you like brandy? I bet you don’t, do you? I might have something else…”

“Brandy’s fine”, Lee mumbles and leans in to close his mouth over David’s.

It’s amazing to feel someone actually melt into you, as though you’ve really made them go weak in the knees and literally needed you to prop them up. David wriggles a little against him though and quickly takes charge of the kiss, gently holding Lee’s head in place whilst angling his own. When he sucks carefully on his lower lip, Lee is the one melting and he discovers that having someone suck all strength out of you and hold you securely in their arms is just as amazing.

David breaks the kiss and nudges him a little. Lee backs up and lets David grab his hand and lead him out into the livingroom area. Sinking onto the sofa, Lee pulls on David’s arm urging him to join him but David gently disentangles himself and says he’ll be right back.

Taking a deep breath, Lee relaxes into the sofa cushions. The butterflies in his belly make themselves known again. As if they’re making up for lost time, they’re now beating their wings almost painfully. Luckily David returns quickly as promised and distracts him with his nervous smile and a glass of brandy. Lee immediately takes a big sip, as David settles down on the sofa next to him. Putting his brandy glass down on the coffee table and angling his body towards him, Lee waits for David to take a sip of his own brandy then leans in and kisses him again. They deepen the kiss immediately this time and there’s a familiar urgency in it that makes Lee’s stomach flip flop with anticipation. David pulls back briefly to put his glass down, then grabs Lee and embraces him eagerly again. He leans back against the cushions and hugs Lee close to him.

When they finally come up for air they’re half-lying down on the sofa and both breathing heavily. Lee can feel David’s hard-on pressing against his hip, right next to his own hard-on. _Fuck me_ , Lee thinks. _This is it, this is happening, this is really happening_.

It’s not an entirely new situation, they got almost this far last time, but the sensation is mind-blowing all the same. It’s as frightening as it’s exhilarating. They’re not even having sex and already all of his nerve endings are on fire. Every single touch from David sends a jolt of pleasure through him. He’s never experienced anything like it before, it’s almost overwhelming.

David leans in again and brushes a soft kiss across Lee’s lips, then trails similarly soft kisses down the length of his throat.

“Bloody Hell”, Lee mutters breathlessly .

David squeezes his sides gently as he continues to nuzzle the side of his neck.

“Should we slow down?” he murmurs against his skin, the words vibrating through him. “Just tell me if you want to stop…”

“Fuck no”, Lee exhales.

David leans back again and locks his eyes with him. His pupils are dilated, but the look he gives Lee is sober and serious.

“Are you sure?”

“What?” Lee mumbles, finding it more and more difficult to process words, not surprising considering most blood has left his head.

“Are you sure you want to keep going?” David elaborates.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Lee notes that David has started to actually stroke him now in an obviously comforting manner and he realises that he’s actually trembling. _Get a grip_ , he tells himself. _No wonder he thinks you’re freaking out._

“David”, he murmurs. “I’m absolutely fine. I’ve been fantasising about this all week… and for months before that…”

David smiles nervously, “Me too…”

He leans in and captures Lee’s lips again. Lee eagerly kisses back, but once again David takes control of the kiss and keeps it slow and sensual. Lee is convinced that he’ll either implode of burn up any minute now, with the pleasure of the kiss and the pressure of the building orgasm overtaking his senses. Finally he breaks the kiss and gulps down a deep breath and tries to articulate his desperate need to move this to the next stage and get David out of his clothes asap.

“W-what?”

“Ah you’ve broken me brain, you can’t expect me to speak in coherent sentences!” Lee exclaims. “I said I want you. Now. Naked. Please!”

David swallows thickly then nods.

“Bedroom”, he croaks.

Scrambling off the sofa, Lee feels a wave of dizziness overtake him momentarily after having stood up too quickly. It passes, but he still feels like he’s stuck in a whirlwind. David grabbing him, kissing him and walking backwards towards his bedroom, _David’s bedroom, I get to see David’s bedroom_ , it’s all a blur of movements and jolts of pleasure. They stumble into the room and crash onto the bed. David turns into him, still kissing and touching every part of him that he can reach.

So far, they’re just lying on their sides facing each other but thinking that can’t serve their purpose for long, Lee starts worrying about positions and once he’s started worrying about positions he starts worrying about everything. In the heat of the moment, Lee had managed to forget how thoroughly inexperienced he actually is, but now the nasty, horrific truth hits him once again. He’s just about ready to start panicking, when suddenly David untucks his shirt and sneaks his hand inside, touching Lee’s chest almost greedily. The sensation of skin on skin has never been so overpowering. When David kisses a trail down the side of his neck again, Lee is moaning and groaning and making all sorts of embarrassing noises, all traces of panic forgotten again.

David’s hand slides down his chest and onto his belly, Lee is so wrapped up in the pleasure of being this close to David that he doesn’t even feel self-conscious, and then it slips onto his belt buckle and pauses there.

They lie still for a moment, pressed together and breathing heavily, while David is giving Lee time to change his mind. Lee slides his own hand on top of David’s, _he’s trembling too now_ , and squeezes it gently. Tilting his head down, he brushes a kiss across David’s head, although the other man is unlikely to have felt it through his thick hair, and breathes in the scent of his shampoo.

“You alright?” he murmurs.

David chuckles breathlessly, “I’m supposed to ask you that…”

“Why?” Lee asks simply and trails his hand up David’s arm instead.

“I-I don’t know”, David stutters forlornly.

He pulls back a little so that he can look into Lee’s face. Whatever nerves Lee was suffering from a minute ago disappears completely when their eyes lock. David looks nervous and aroused in equal measures and Lee has never been more attracted to him, _never been this attracted to anyone_

_Best not think about that_

“I want you”, he tells the other man, embarrassed to hear his own voice drop an octave, but less so when he catches the spark in David’s eyes.

Suddenly, David has pushed him onto his back and is half lying on top of him, kissing and nipping at his neck as though actually trying to devour him. There’s no hesitation in his movements now. The hand on Lee’s belt buckle moves swiftly and before he knows it Lee’s fly has been undone and David is reaching into his pants, grabbing him with such desperate intent that Lee almost comes right there and then.

David squeezes him and moves his hand a little experimentally, like he’s getting a feel for him, literally, then finally starts pumping him in earnest. Lee’s initial gasp turns into a wheezy whine and he’d thump himself in the head with a pillow out of sheer embarrassment if not for the fact that his senses are being assaulted by the electric jolts of pleasure that David’s ministrations are creating.

As he continues to pull Lee off, David starts moving slowly against him and Lee realises that he’s rocking their hips together, _he’s rubbing himself against my hip_ , Lee feels he should be doing something, he’s not doing anything, he’s just lying there, a moaning immobile pile of trembling comedian, and now he’s reaching the edge of his orgasm as well, _this is a disaster_

But then David starts breathing heavily against his skin and Lee realises that he’s stopped making out with his neck at some point and now he’s just panting against him, a couple of soft whines slip through and nestle into the collar of his shirt, _he’s close, he’s close as well_

 David gasps suddenly, pressing his forehead into Lee’s shoulder and squeezing Lee’s cock a little harder. A wave of pleasure so powerful it could be confused for pain wells up inside Lee and arches his back, every one of his muscles contracting and when he relaxes again the relief flows through him like an orgasmic aftershock. He’s not sure if he’s the one trembling or if David is, but most probably it’s both of them.

“Unbelievable”, he says, surprisingly out of breath.

He wraps his arms more securely around David and hugs him close.

“Hang on”, David mumbles and stretches across him to grab some tissues from the drawer in his bedside table and gently wipes Lee and himself clean.

As soon as he’s finished he puts the crumbled up tissue and the rest of the packet on the floor next to his side of the bed, then eagerly snuggles into Lee’s side. _I knew he was a cuddler_ , Lee thinks fondly and drops a kiss onto the top of his head.

“That wasn’t just the best hand job I’ve ever received”, he murmurs into his hair. “It was more intense than any _sex_ I’ve ever had…”

He can feel David smiling against his chest.

“Imagine how you’ll feel when I give you a blow job”, he says and it’s almost a quip but not really.

“Bloody Hell, David”, Lee groans. “Don’t be sexy right now, you’ll kill me…”

David snorts softly, but caresses Lee’s side at the same time.

“But I imagine it’ll knock me out”, Lee adds. “If you fuck me, I’ll probably just explode!”

David doesn’t reply immediately, and even though he continues to caress Lee’s side and nuzzle his chest, Lee feels him tense up. He’s about to bring it up and ask if he’s said something wrong, when the other man finally speaks up again.

“We don’t have to do that…”

Lee is thrown, but doesn’t really have time to process it and find out if he feels disappointed or relieved or what, because then David stretches up and gives him a kiss and all thoughts outside of the kiss flutters away. He wonders if it will always be like that, or if he’ll eventually get used to David’s kisses. _I hope not…_

“Can you stay?” David asks.

Lee can tell his carefree tone is carefully constructed and imagines there’s an undercurrent of hope there that David is too afraid to let loose. It makes him even gladder that he told Tara he’d be staying over at Noel’s place. He tells David that he can and David hides his relief and joy behind the brisk declaration that Lee then may use his toothbrush.  

 

 

 

The shrill noise of the alarm clock prods him awake and he turns his head to peer blearily at David on the other side of the bed as he scrambles for his mobile phone on the nightstand and starts beeping away until he’s turned off that alarm as well.

“Sorry”, David half-whispers.

Lee waves it away, or tries to but he only manages to disturb the edge of his pillow since his hand is tucked in underneath it. He groans shortly instead, aiming for a non-verbal _Don’t worry about it_ , but obviously not getting the message through since David apologises again, before very carefully rising from the bed. Lee curls up on his side so he can see him as he’s getting dressed at the foot of the bed. His hair is all sleep-tousled and despite still being half-asleep on his feet, he’s clearly doing his best to keep quiet.

“You don’t need over an hour to get ready”, Lee croaks out.

David side steps the sock he’s about to put on, then looks up.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you”, David replies, still half-whispering for some reason.

“You can sleep for another half hour, you don’t need an hour to get ready”, Lee protests again and reaches out his arm towards him. “Come back to bed…”

“However tempting that sounds, and… you… look”, David says in his normal tone of voice. “I do need an hour to get ready.”

_Maybe it’s part of his alarm clock OCD_ , Lee thinks. _I’d forgotten about that, I can’t believe I forgot that, wonder if I’ll get used to it or if it’s one of those things that will really start to annoy me further into the relationship. Relationship. What are you on about. Get a grip._

“You go back to sleep”, David adds with a gentle look then leaves the room.

Lee considers it for a moment. The bed _is_ very warm and the pillow is amazingly soft and comfortable, much more comfortable than it had been the night before. But he’s more or less awake now. _David might agree to share a shower_. He flops onto his back and stretches a little.

_Coffee should be done about now._

That settles it. He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, just sits up for a moment, getting used to the chilly air and stretching his toes. Finally he stands up and follows David out into the kitchen, stretching his arms over his head as he walks. For a brief moment he remembers that David actually has a roommate and could show up at any moment, but he’s really too tired to care right now. Besides, he figures he’s decent enough. David’s t-shirt is a little small, but at least he’s wearing one and he’s wearing boxers, so he’s got the basics covered up. _That’ll have to do_.

David’s pouring himself a cup of tea when Lee enters the kitchen. He looks up at Lee and then his gaze does a quick sweep down Lee’s body before it flits back to the tea cup again. There’s a subtle but definite blush tainting his cheeks and Lee feels his self-esteem go up a notch.

“Tea or coffee?” David croaks and turns away completely to grab another cup from the cupboard.

 “Oh, I’ll just have what you’re having”, Lee says.

He slides onto one of the barstools by the kitchen island. David turns around and gives him a look.

“Fine. Coffee”, Lee says.

“Thought so”, David mutters.

Lee hadn’t realised he’d made coffee as well as tea and only notices the small percolator when David grabs it from the counter and brings it to the island before taking the seat opposite Lee. _I could get used to this._ They sip their drinks in sleepy silence until it’s broken by the toast jumping up from the toaster. David offers one of the slices to Lee without even asking, then loads the toaster with two more.

“I’ve got raspberry and blueberry”, he says as he walks over to the fridge.

“Raspberry for me…”

David grabs the jar of raspberry jam along with the butter and resumes his seat. His hair is still all over the place and his eyes are a little puffy.

_I love you_ , Lee thinks, but what he says is: “I love your coffee.”

“It’s not like I grew the beans”, David mutters shyly.

“Well you do _something_ I don’t, because yours is much better than the coffee I make…”

_I love you, I love you, I’m so fucked._


	8. A walk in the park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still figuring out the basics of their relationship, Lee and David struggle with all sorts of feelings and insecurities as they get more and more wrapped up in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one.

 

 

 

“Alright”, David says as soon as Lee walks up to him.

His nervousness is just as visible on his face as it is audible in his voice. He looks almost scared. As always, it helps Lee to ground himself and makes his own nervousness fade into the background. He smiles at the other man and casually puts his hand on his chest as he brushes past him to toss his jacket onto a nearby chair. David immediately relaxes a little, but not nearly enough. It’s understandable though, Lee thinks. This will be their first time working together since their first time _being_ together.

Images of bare skin and David’s awe-inspiringly open face flashes by in his mind. Lee looks around searching frantically for Derek, desperately needing something to distract him from the memories, and quick if he’s going to be able to get his head straight, _hah_ , before they start recording.

“Be with you in a tick, doll”, Derek’s voice speaks up from behind him and Lee jumps a little.

David smiles crookedly at him, a fond look in his eyes.

“Guess I’m not the only one feeling nervous, am I?” he murmurs gently.

Lee blinks. Here he’d thought he’d been acting cool as a breeze. _Guess not…_

“I’m alright”, he lies.

“Right”, David says. “Well, it’s strangely reassuring to know I’m _not_ the only one…”

“Fellows”, Rob Brydon greets them as he enters the dressing room.

“Alright”, Lee replies and gives him a quick hug.

David, of course, opts for shaking hands instead but that doesn’t surprise Rob any more than it surprises Lee. Come to think of it, David hadn’t even hugged _him_ when he showed up.

“Are you both waiting?” Rob asks them.

“Oh, no, I’m done”, David says. “I’m just… well, I guess I _am_ waiting, just not for having my make-up done.”

Rob gives him a funny look and chuckles good-naturedly. It suddenly strikes Lee that they’ve never once hung out in the greenroom on this show. It’s not _that_ strange, considering they’re all on at the same time unlike any chat show they might be on, but still.

Thinking back, Lee realises that he’d been so comfortable lingering in the dressing room because Derek and Sandy are both easy-going and funny and the atmosphere in general is just friendly. After that, he supposes it’s just become habit. He never really thought about it. He wonders if the others have. Maybe they all think it’s odd. Maybe David only hangs out in the dressing room because _he_ does. Looking over at him now though, he looks slightly stricken and Lee can tell he’s just come to the same realisation.

“I ehm… Lee and I just got talking”, he explains lamely.

Rob doesn’t seem to think anything of it though, because he immediately shrugs it away and starts telling them about an incident earlier that morning that has them both laughing in no time.

“Not a great sign”, he adds. “As if trying to fill Angus’ humongous shoes isn’t bad enough…”

“You’ll do great”, Lee tells him.

Rob and David exchange an amused look for some reason, but Rob seems genuine enough when he thanks him and the look David gives him is possibly even fonder than his earlier one.

When they’re about to walk to the stage, Lee feels David’s hand brush against his. It’s not lingering enough to be an attempt at holding hands, but it’s also not brief enough to be an accident. Lee looks up into his face and, _there’s that look again_ , David is smiling at him.

“What?” Lee asks.

“Nothing”, David says, smile still in place and decidedly secretive now. “You’re just very kind, that’s all. I like that.”

Lee frowns and wonders if he’s tuned out at some point, because he hasn’t got a clue what David’s talking about or what’s brought it on. But whatever it is, if it makes David smile at him like that, Lee’s not about to question it.

 

 

 

“Are we still on for coffee next Friday?” David asks as they’re about to part ways at the tube station.

He shuffles his feet a little, gaze flitting between the ground and Lee’s face. Lee puts his hands in his pockets to stop them from reaching out and pull him closer. Instead he nods and clears his throat discretely before replying, “If you want…”

“You know I do”, David mumbles and blushes again.

Lee’s belly goes all fluttery. _Could we be more obvious?_

“Okay”, David says with a sigh. “I should be…”

He waves towards the tube vaguely.

“Right”, Lee says.

“I’d kiss you goodbye, but…” David jokes lamely.

 _God, I want to kiss you_ , Lee thinks but instead he half-chuckles nervously.

“Yeah, maybe not the most inconspicuous of goodbyes… unfortunately…”

_Don’t kiss him. Don’t kiss him._

David nods as well and smiles that crooked smile of his. Finally they say their awkward _goodbyes_ and David disappears down the steps to the tube leaving Lee alone on the pavement, feeling oddly winded. _Parting is such sweet sorrow and all that crap_

He shouldn’t feel this _empty_ just because David’s gone. He shouldn’t be dreading going home to his own family tonight and he definitely shouldn’t want to elope with David, _disappear_ with David and hide from everyone everywhere forever and ever and ever, he definitely shouldn’t want that.

 _Another week_ , he reminds himself, reassures himself. And most likely they’ll run into each other before then, as well. The thought of that is almost enough to quench Lee’s emotional thirst. To just run into David and maybe even get a quick hug _hello_ , have some inane small talk with him laden with subtext and eye contact and secret smiles, and of course some banter thrown in for the benefit of potential eavesdroppers. Maybe they could even grab an actual, spontaneous coffee between shows.

_You know you’re in trouble when just the sight of a person makes you all warm and wobbly, more than kisses, and even sex, do with anyone else._

He knows he must have felt this way, _must have felt this way_ , with Tara in the beginning. But it feels like a distant thought now. Not completely foreign, just really far away.

The guilt promptly pops into place. He has to stomp down a stupid impulse to buy Tara some flowers. The oldest and most see-through trick in the Cheater’s book. As if Tara hasn’t already got good cause to get suspicious. Especially if he’s again going to try and convince her that he and Noel stayed up so late drinking that he had to sleep over, and for the second weekend in a row at that. _Although, she’s probably more likely to suspect him of having an affair with Noel._

Perhaps he’ll offer to cook dinner tonight, instead of bringing home a bouquet of guilt. A romantic dinner. But not too romantic, obviously. _No candles or anything_ , just a nice, cosy dinner, with the kids present and then in bed early enough so that he and Tara can spend some quality time together. Could he risk a backrub even? _If it’s spontaneous enough_ , he reckons. _She’ll expect sex, though._

 _That should be a_ good _thing_ , he reminds himself.

It used to be a good thing, and _that_ doesn’t feel like a distant concept at all. It’s not like Lee doesn’t find Tara attractive anymore, he does, he _really_ does. And it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy sex with her, it’s just not the same anymore. It’s not like sex with David. Having sex with Tara, and other women he’s slept with before her, is like a warm buzz. But sex with David is electric. He’s not sure if that’s because he’s been in denial about his sexual preferences all his life, or if it’s just David. Still, if Tara’s up for it tonight, he really should.

The guilt is still there, if anything it’s grown bigger. There’s no logic behind it. It’s not as though he’d be _cheating on David_ if he slept with his own wife. The ball of bile in his stomach seems to disagree. And that’s when the thoughts start swirling, _maybe the reason I stayed up so late with Noel wasn’t just because we were simply hanging out and drinking and then forgetting the time. Maybe we stayed up late talking. Maybe Noel and Birdy are experiencing some turbulence in their relationship and maybe Noel could really use a friend right now_

 _No. Get a grip_ , Lee tells himself sternly. _Tara would think you’re horrible if the truth came out, and David would think you’re being too clingy and pull away, if you invite yourself over two nights in a row, you’ll lose them both you idiot!_

Lee starts making his way to Teddington Studios, where he spends his breaks between rehearsing scenes _not_ making any phone calls or sending any text messages of any kind, but mucking about with Tim and Miranda.

They’re about half-way through when he finally caves in and texts Tara that Birdy has gone to stay with her parents. To David he writes “Any chance of that cuppa tonight? I’m off around 10 ish”

He has a short debate with himself over whether he should sign the message with an ‘x’ or not, but in the end decides not to. _Don’t want to come off as desperate_. He feels his mobile vibrate in his pocket as they’re rehearsing the last scene before it’s time for costume and make-up. He doesn’t check it until he’s about to leave it in the dressing room, having put it off for as long as possible for some inane reason.

He’s surprised to find that he hasn’t got one, but three unread messages and figures he must have got the other two while he was changing or something.

The first one is from Tara, it’s a rather long one and Lee only skims through it until he spots the phrase “of course you should”, then moves on to the next one, from David, “You know I’m always up for coffee or whatever. Can I come and see the show?”

Lee feels a cold sweat break out. Marissa, the make-up artist, notices and frowns at him from across the room, then hurries towards him wielding her powder brush. He quickly opens up the last text message, also from David, and feels the bottom of his stomach drop.

“Too late!”, it reads. “I’m here! See you in the greenroom afterwards? X”

_Fuck._

How is he supposed to concentrate now? Just _knowing_ David is out there, in the audience somewhere _watching him_ , will make him fumble and stumble and forget his lines, _not to mention I won’t be able to get that bloody ‘x’ out of me head. What’s ‘x’ again? Is it ‘kiss’ or ‘hug’? It’s ‘kiss’, I’m sure it’s ‘kiss’. Oh_ God, _I’m fucked._  

The show, and his performance in particular, is a rollercoaster. On the one hand he does fumble and stumble and miss his marks and mess up his lines more than usual, but on the other hand his response to it all is a lot more passionate than it normally is. About halfway through the show he realises that the audience is laughing harder at his antiques in-between takes than it is during the actual scenes of the show. He’s basically turned it into a one man performance.

Obviously he recognises this side of himself. The awkward sit com actor has finally buggered off and he’s back in his stand-up skin again, one that he’s actually comfortable in, almost as much as his private one. But it’s not just that, not just his stand-up persona. It’s similar, but not exactly the same feeling. He knows the feeling, though. It’s like he’s sat in his usual seat recording _Would I lie to you?_ with David right there opposite him. Now he can’t actually see David in the audience, but just knowing he’s out there, watching him, is enough. _That’s what it is_. He’s putting on a show, just for David.

“You know”, David says afterwards and Lee knows he’s about to tease him because he’s got that lopsided smirk on his face. “It’s a lot funnier live than it is on TV…”

“Oh _thanks_ for _that_ backhanded compliment…!”

David’s smile says _I’m sorry_.

Lee’s eye roll hopefully answers him appropriately. To be sure though, he bumps their shoulders together.

“Come on, let’s get out of here…”

“Alright”, David murmurs.

As soon as they’re alone enough, Lee lets his fingers brush the palm of David’s hand briefly. David glances at him.

_I love you_

_Yeah I know_

David holds the cab door open for Lee and Lee takes care of the small talk with the cab driver so that David doesn’t have to. It’s a relatively short drive to David’s flat, but it’s well past eleven when they get there.

“Are you sure you want coffee?” David asks him as they’re toeing off their shoes in the hall. “It is getting rather late…”

“Yeah, I do”, Lee says and steps closer to him. “In the morning…”

David snorts and rolls his eyes at him, but the smile is genuine and Lee takes what he can get.

“Come here”, he says and pulls David even closer.

David puts his hands on Lee’s waist, thumbs stroking up and down gently. It’s an innocent yet extremely intimate gesture. Lee leans in for a kiss and David sighs into it, then starts walking backwards, pulling Lee with him, further into the flat. He stops just outside the bedroom door and breaks the kiss.

“A-are you sure this is a good idea?” he asks carefully.

Lee’s grateful for the tactful way he’s skirted around the actual question yet still managed to ask it but without mentioning Tara.

“Yeah”, Lee says simply and leaves it at that.

If he was to go into detail, he’d say that he’s not sure at all. He’s not sure how any of it could ever constitute a _good idea_. He’s only sure about how he feels and where he wants to be in this very moment and that’s right here, _with you_

David presses him gently but firmly into the mattress and starts kissing down neck, eliciting a startled hiss of pleasure from Lee. He’s not sure what turns him on more, David’s skilled mouth on the sensitive skin on his neck or feeling David take charge like this, _take control_ , _over him_. It’s so far removed from the insecure and shy David that Lee knows outside of the bedroom. This David is strong and confident and not adorable at all but _sexy_. _Wonder if I’ll ever get used to this_

“David”, he groans and entangles his fingers in the other man’s impossibly silky hair.

David’s response is a distracted and noncommittal _hmm_ as he busies himself with basically making out with Lee’s nipple. Lee hisses again when he nips at it carefully.

When David continues kissing down Lee’s chest his pulse instinctively quickens, but as usual David stops moving downwards once he reaches his belly and simply nuzzles his abdomen briefly before slowly making his way back. It’s the same every time and it’s driving Lee crazy. Every time, this teasing trail down his body, a little further each time but never far enough. Sex with David is still the best he’s ever had, but just the silent suggestion of what David could be doing to him has Lee _aching_ with want. He knows he should just _tell_ David. But a part of him is too embarrassed to and another, bigger, part of him is genuinely scared. Logically he knows David isn’t going to be offended or upset or peeved or anything like that and he definitely won’t get up and leave either, but Lee can’t help feeling scared that he’ll fuck things up somehow.

David kisses him softly then pulls back just enough to look him in the eyes.

“Alright?” he murmurs.

That’s another thing. Every time they start to get intimate, David is constantly checking in with him to make sure he’s not freaking out or whatever it is he thinks he might be doing. It’s a lovely contradiction really, being so assertive one minute and then switching back to careful the next, worried that he might be pushing Lee.

It suddenly strikes Lee that maybe that’s what it is, maybe David is waiting because he doesn’t want to push Lee into something he isn’t ready for yet.

Swallowing thickly he nods, “I’m fine, I’m… great”

David smiles and kisses him again. Lee moves back just a fraction, just enough to speak, “David…”

David immediately pulls back and looks right into his eyes again, all attentive and caring. Lee feels his face heat up.

“Nothin’…” he mumbles and quickly leans back in and kisses him again.

David lets Lee push him onto his back and take charge of the kiss for a moment, but it doesn’t last for long. Within seconds he’s got Lee on his back again and is kissing him hungrily, like he can’t help himself and it does _all sorts_ to Lee’s body, mind and soul if there is such a thing.

He nestles his hands into David’s hair again as he ducks down to undo his belt.

“I love your hair”, he says.

David looks up at him and smiles then kisses the inside of his arm gently before he starts pulling his jeans off of him.

The quip _While you’re down there_ immediately springs to mind but he manages to hold it back. _Probably not the best way to broach the subject_ …

David lingers halfway down his body as he grasps him. If Lee’s not mistaken he’s watching his own hand touching Lee, or maybe he’s just looking at Lee. Even from this angle Lee can see him swallowing and then with a deep breath, David starts nuzzling his side again.

Before giving himself a chance to think about it too much and talk himself out of it, Lee stutters out the first half of the awkward question he’s been wanting to ask David for weeks. He only gets as far as _Would you_ before he gets cold feet and cuts himself off, but David throws him a sharp look all the same. There’s a flare of something in his eyes and for a fraction of a second Lee thinks that his fear might be about to come true, but then he realises that it’s _want_.

“What?” David asks.

Lee bites his lip, unable to voice the question again. David squeezes him and he gasps.

“Y-you know…” he croaks, _or whines_

David’s eyes flare up again.

“Are you sure…?”

“Y-yeah, _fuck_ yeah, p-please…”

That’s all he gets out before he’s engulfed in pleasure. There’s no warning. He barely had time to register David moving. There’s just this sudden heat, wet and tight, around him as David sucks him in. Sparks of pleasure is ripping through him like a shooting pain. David is swirling his tongue around him and sucking hard on the head of his cock, expertly, _hungrily_. Hitting the pillow hard as he snaps his head back, Lee instinctively arches his back a little and swears.

He’s vaguely aware of hands stroking his sides in a comforting manner.

David lowers his head and takes all of him in and it’s too much, sucking hard he moves back up again in a brutally swift movement. Lee can already feel the pressure building up inside of him. He pushes his head harder into the pillow, again and again, in time with David’s movements, subconsciously holding back from thrusting his hips upwards.

As the pressure increases, Lee grabs David by the hair again, about to pull him up before he comes but David reaches up and rests one of his own hands on his then caresses his arm soothingly. And he moans. It vibrates all around Lee and finally tips him over the edge. David doesn’t pull away. On the contrary, he swallows him down all the way again and then he keeps swallowing.

Lee might have blacked out for a second. That’s probably an exaggeration, he admits later on. But he’s never come so hard in his life. It’s unbelievable, _and sad_ , that he’s lived for forty years and never known sex can be _this good_.

While he’s catching his breath, David moves up to stretch out next to him and pets and nuzzles him caringly. Lee can feel his hard-on pressing into his hip. The thought of giving a blow job is daunting, but also oddly intriguing. The thought of giving it to David in particular is unsurprisingly arousing. He’s obviously terrified, because he’s never tried it before and there’s no way around it, he _will_ be terrible at it, _I’ll suck, heh, no seriously, focus,_ David’s obviously experienced and Lee obviously _isn’t_ but then again David _knows_ that, so it’s not like he’ll expect Lee to rock his world, at least not initially.

“Alright?” David murmurs.

“Amazing”, Lee answers truthfully.

David blushes, but smiles. They kiss, slowly, sensually, then David nudges him in the hip and reminds him again that he’s yet to reciprocate.

David pulls back and swallows thickly.

“Touch me?” he asks, almost hopefully, as though Lee would ever say _No_.

“’Course”, Lee breathes out. “I can do you one better though… Well, I _say_ better…”

The joke falls flat. Granted, it wasn’t a very good one, but Lee would have thought it would at least get a smile. Instead David gives him a questioning look and he falters a little.

“Well, you know”, he says lamely. “It’s me first time trying, but look at it as a test run yeah? I’m a fast learner!”

Still nothing. Not a hint of a smile or even a polite chuckle. If anything David tenses up and Lee’s sure he can spot the beginning of a frown. Sensing an impending turn for the worse, Lee quickly captures David’s lips and grasps him at the same time, hoping to diffuse the weirdness before it roots itself. David moans into his mouth as he squeezes him gently, but almost immediately he jerks back from the kiss and pins Lee with an intense look that has him floundering, telling him seriously, almost sharply, that _this is fine._

_Not the best feedback in the world_

He tells him that he doesn’t need more than this from him, so he can just stop worrying about it.

Unable to come up with any sort of reply, not knowing how to interpret what David is saying in the first place, Lee opts for not replying at all and twists his hand gently instead, causing David to scrunch his face up and gasp out a chopped-up moan. His fingers are gripping Lee’s shoulders so hard Lee’s worried he might bruise.

Speeding up his movements, Lee presses closer to David and continues pushing him onto his back. He’s not entirely sure if he’s actually going to do it, if he’s got the guts to, especially after that discouraging speech from David who apparently has very strong feelings about him giving it a go, but he doesn’t need to make his mind up because as soon as he bites down carefully on one of David’s nipples and sucks, David arches up against him and comes all over his hand, definitely bruising his shoulders in the process.

Pulling back again, Lee reaches for the tissues David keeps stored in his bedside table and wipes himself clean.

“You really don’t want me to suck you off?” he asks a while later as they’re getting ready to sleep.

For some reason it’s easier to talk about sex when they’re not in the middle of it. David glances at him, frowning uncomfortably, then rearranges the pillow under his head and effectively avoids his gaze while doing it.

“I’m fine with whatever you’re comfortable with”, he mumbles.

“Yeah”, Lee says like it’s obvious, _because it is_. “So…”

“Let’s just go to sleep.”

“I’m not _uncomfortable_ with it, David. I _want to_ do it… David.”

“I want to sleep”, David says in a clipped tone. “Can we please talk about this another time.”

_What just happened?_

“Maybe you’re the one who’s not comfortable with it”, he mutters petulantly.

“Lee…”

There’s a hint of warning in David’s voice and it makes his stomach sink. But as much as he wants push this, he bites his tongue and settles down to sleep.

 

 

“I hope you know what you’re fucking doing”, Noel tells him frankly from across his kitchen table where he’s nursing a massive hangover as well as a black eye that Lee doesn’t even _want_ to know the reason behind.

Lee knows that their friendship must seem odd to anyone else, considering they’re basically each other’s complete opposites and their lives couldn’t be more different. Lee obviously isn’t a stranger to the bottle, but the extent of his social drinking is confined to the local pub whereas Noel trickles from night club to night club with people like Amy Winehouse and Courtney bloody Love on his arm. But that’s probably why they do get along so well. They’re like that Chinese symbol that people were so eager to tattoo on their shoulder blades a few years back, _what’s it called? Yin yang, that’s it!_

Light and dark. For a minute Lee stops to wonder who would be light and who would be dark. Going by appearance only, Noel is clearly as dark as it gets. But going by personality

Lee shakes the thought away, _it doesn’t matter_ , what matters is that they’re very different but they complement each other. But Lee also knows that if he and Noel were to meet today, they probably wouldn’t bother to get to know each other at all. But luckily they didn’t meet today, but many years ago, they have a history together, and they did get to know each other and to such an extent that Noel might know him better than anyone else whom he’s not related to by blood. So it would be an understatement to say that Lee is very thankful for the fact that they met when they did.

“Bloody Hell, Lee”, Noel says now, bringing him back to the present.

“You think I’m making a huge mistake”, Lee says.

“Well yeah”, Noel says as though it’s just as irrelevant as it is obvious, but that’s Noel for you. “But you know, I’m not exactly one to talk, I’m a _fan_ of making mistakes… well, to a point, anyway.”

Lee nods and they both sip their coffees in silence for a while, until Noel goes in search of biscuits.

“But bloody Hell”, he exclaims unexpectedly with his head still hidden behind a cupboard door that slams shut just as soon as he’s said it, making Lee jump slightly. “I’d never have thought you had it in you! I’m actually impressed…”

Lee doesn’t feel very reassures by that, but he doesn’t bother commenting one way or the other.

“So, what, Tara thinks you’ve been spending all these nights with me…”

Noel brings the packet of biscuits to the table and sits back down.

“I’m supposed to be all fucked up and in need of a friend to cry on?” he continues. “How long is that going to last though, do you imagine?”

“I don’t know”, Lee mutters, he hasn’t really thought that far ahead.

“Well, it’s your funeral mate…” Noel says and casually offers him a biscuit.

 _And don’t I know it_ , Lee thinks bitterly. 

 

 

They’re on the sofa, making out like teenagers and for the first time since their first time, David has leaned back and pulled Lee on top of him, letting Lee take charge for once. Well, as much as you _can_ take charge of David.

Lee’s hand is resting on David’s hip, right where his belt meets his shirt and he pinches the fabric and starts to untuck it. David squirms to give him better access and hums against his lips when he snakes his hand inside and strokes his bare skin. David’s hands leave his shoulder and neck and he starts to unbutton Lee’s shirt as well. Just the two buttons, just enough to kiss his throat where it meets his collarbone.

“I think we should move this to the bedroom”, he murmurs against Lee’s skin and it tickles.

“On one condition”, Lee gasps, aiming for a playful tone of voice and nearly nails it.

David’s lips twitch a little as he looks at him.

“Oh, we have _conditions_ now, do we?” he asks. “Well, I have a couple of conditions of my own…”

He continues to stroke Lee’s sides almost absent-mindedly, like he’s not even aware he’s doing it. Leaning in he brushes his lips against Lee’s, then nips at his lower lip carefully.

“The first one”, he says, nuzzling the side of his face. “Is a significant reduction of clothing. Yours in particular…”

He moves his hips a little, causing a maddening friction between them that drags an involuntary moan out of Lee to which he smiles almost proudly.

“Second?” Lee prompts, before he completely loses his grip on what they’re talking about.

“Second”, David says. “Would be less talking about conditions and more moving to the bedroom.”

“I can concede to that”, Lee says immediately and scrambles off the other man, allowing him to sit up.

His hair is adorably messy and Lee smiles, reaches out to flatten it slightly where it sticks up the most. David ducks his head down and blushes self-consciously.

“I must look ridiculous”, he mumbles.

“Hey”, Lee says. “Remember what we said about teen girl talk.”

He grabs David by the hand and helps him to his feet. David immediately steps into his personal space, close enough that they’re touching and even through two layers of denim, Lee can feel his hard-on, warm and _very_ hard.

“Are we slow dancing?” he jokes. “And before you say anything, no we’re _not_.”

David chuckles fondly.

“We’re going into your bedroom where I’ll get _these_ off you…”

 He pinches the fabric of David’s half-untucked shirt as though the thing as offended him.

“What’s wrong with my clothes?” David demands playfully.

“They’re cock-blocking me.”

David laughs, “Alright. Fair point.”

“And once I get them out of the way, literally, I’ll be spending a significant amount of time _kissing you all over_ …”

Even as a small, chopped-up groan escapes his throat, David has still got some residual mirth left in his face and the combination of lust and joy is making him positively _glow_. Lee has never seen him look this beautiful before.

“I’m definitely not opposed to that plan…” David croaks out thickly.

“Yeah?” Lee says, hopeful now rather than attempting to be seductive.

It takes David a moment to catch up with the shift in tone. Lee can see the process in his face, how the mirth in his eyes fades into confusion and then his eyes go unfocused for a second and Lee imagines that he replays what Lee said in his head, because then the focus returns and with it a wary realisation. If it hadn’t been for the fact that his hard-on is still pressing into his hip, Lee would have thought he wasn’t turned on at all anymore.

“Oh”, David says.

Lee doesn’t say anything. He knows not to at times like this, when David is wary and processing the situation. He’s like a frightened animal almost, the slightest movement might scare him off.

“Oh, no, Lee”, he says. “You don’t have to do that…”

“I know I don’t _have to_ ”, Lee says, slowly letting his frustration get the better of him. “How ‘bout _I want to_ , how ‘bout that?”

David backs away a couple of steps and takes a deep breath.

“Look, not tonight, okay…”

“Why not?” Lee demands and it doesn’t come out nearly as curious as he’s meant for it to.

“Because I don’t think you’re quite ready for that–“

“I don’t need you to think for me David”, Lee interrupts and David presses him lips together in annoyance as he usually does when Lee interrupts him mid-sentence. “I _can_ manage that on me own, you know!”

“I didn’t _mean_ –“

“Look”, Lee interrupts again and doesn’t even care that David is getting seriously annoyed with him now. “I’ll do it right here. If you won’t come to bed, I’ll just have to kneel down on the floor right here, don’t think I won’t!”

Something that is almost like lust but not quite flares up in David’s eyes and Lee feels his pulse quicken, but he’s so flustered himself that he can’t bring himself to step down.

“I’m not letting you suck me off just to prove a point”, David bites out angrily.

“You’re not letting me at all!”

David spins away from him, arms flying up a little in a gesture that says _I give up_ , or he could just be trying to shoo Lee away. Lee is starting to regret this whole thing. As usual, his inability to not blurt out every little thing that pops into his head like some Freudian Tourette’s, has snowballed into a first class ticket to a bucket of _shit_.

Suddenly David mobile rings and they both swear under their breaths. Picking it up from the coffee table, David checks the display and swears again.

“I have to take this”, he says and throws Lee a genuinely apologetic look.

Feeling a bit lost standing where he is between the sofa and the door to David’s bedroom, with a half-unbuttoned shirt and a steadily wilting hard-on, Lee puts his hands in his sides and takes a deep breath to compose himself. He also feels rather stupid, but he’s used to that.

David glances over at him and quickly turns away again, blushing, and it makes Lee feel a little bit better.

“This isn’t a good time”, David murmurs quietly.

 _Just as soon as he gets off the phone_ , Lee vows. _I’ll kiss the Hell out of him and not mention any oral sex again all night_.

He moves closer to David who throws him a quick look then hurries to tell the person on the other end that he’ll call them back later. Lee steps up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist.

“Yeah, that’s fine”, David says into the phone as he slides his hand onto Lee’s.

Lee plants a kiss on the side of his neck and moves his free hand across his belly gently.

“Okay”, David breaths out, then clears his throat. “We’ll meet up before we head out to location and we can talk about it then.”

_It’s Webb_

Lee’s hand stills. _Lee_ stills. David rubs his hand a little, but he barely feels it.

“You’re giving me a lift too, right? So we can talk about it in the car as well…”

Feeling chilly, and oddly rejected, all of a sudden, Lee’s moving away from David again before he’s even aware of doing it. He struggles with the buttons on his shirt as he turns away and starts walking across the room.

“Rob, I _really_ need to go”, David says in a rush behind him, then “Lee?”

Lee just keeps walking. He doesn’t know why. He’s just gripped by a sudden and overwhelming need to _get away_.

“Lee!”

David walks after him and once he reaches the hall, he jogs the last couple of paces to catch up with him and grabs his arm.

“What are you doing?”

 _Yeah_ , _what_ are _you doing?_

“Lee, will you look at me?”

David looks bewildered more than anything. Lee fidgets with the collar of his jacket, feeling really stupid suddenly.

“You don’t have to _leave_ ”, David says. “Don’t _leave_ …”

“Sorry”, Lee mumbles and carefully moves his arm out of David’s grip.

“ _Please_ don’t…” David says in a small voice.

“Yeah”, Lee mumbles and takes a deep breath.

When he hangs up his jacket on the hook again, David practically deflates with relief.

“I’ll make us some tea and we can talk about this”, he offers gently.

“Nothing to talk about”, Lee mutters and feels his face heat up. “I’m just stupid…”

David doesn’t disagree with him, just keeps looking at him kindly.

“It’s just because… It’s because I’m…”

Lee sighs with frustration. He _hates_ talking about his feelings like this. He was raised in an old-fashioned macho way that was decidedly _un_ metro-sexual. Also, every time he’s tried to talk feelings, he’s just made a real mess of things. 

“I’m insecure, I think”, he admits finally.

“Yes, I know”, David says softly.

_Maybe I should let David think for me more often._

Carefully, David reaches out and puts his hand on Lee’s arm, just rests it there and moves it a fraction of an inch up and down in a decidedly soothing manner. _Maybe he thinks_ I’m _like a frightened animal_.

“Start over?”

 _Fuck yeah_ , “Yeah, please…”

David lights up a little more and steps close to him again. He kisses him sweetly, shallow but lingering. It always makes Lee stomach go all fluttery, still, after all this time.

“For the record”, David murmurs. “I’m so… happy right now, being with you like this. And if you were to tell me right now that this has all been too much too fast and you’re not ready for it after all, then I’d be happy to just be kissing you, or just holding you. Because, as sad as it is, _kissing you_ feels more amazing to me than any sex I’ve ever had. So you really have nothing to be insecure about…”

 

 

 

Miranda is claiming to have made herself a little friend out of a piece of toast as a child and David’s mouth twitches, partly from amusement but also from being thrown. Lee’s learned to distinguish between the different nuances of his little ticks.

“Did you butter him?” he asks, with a hint of indulgence.

“No, he wasn’t buttered”, Miranda replied. “That would be stupid David!”

Waiting for the audience’s laughter to subside slightly, David rubs his hands together a little, _here we go, this will be good_ , then starts describing a scenario in which Miranda might have unthinkingly buttered the piece of toast before remembering that that was the piece of toast she was going to make a friend out of. Miranda starts replying, but he quickly talks over her.

“The _fat_ in the butter would in fact help _preserve_ the friend, from the _mould_ that would otherwise develop, which was going to be the central part of my next question!”, he’s literally running out of breath now and has to inhale quickly before lunging back into his own rant without breaking his momentum. “How _long_ did Tim _last_ before he _rotted_?”

“I stopped listening about ten minutes ago”, Miranda exclaims, Lee knows the feeling. In fact, if he wasn’t so embarrassingly besotted with David he probably would have tuned out a long time ago. “What are you asking me?”

David calms down a little and lets Claudia take over briefly, but joins in again after only one question. He stays calm though and Miranda has a brilliant answer to whatever question they throw at her, but unfortunately she’s also so wired to be funny, like any comedian, that with every answer her tale gets more and more absurd. Lee feels the point slipping away. But he still can’t help but to laugh though, especially when David calls Miranda on calling Tim an imaginary friend.

“This wasn’t an imaginary friend! This was a friend who just happened to be made out of a piece of toast!”

Even Miranda laughs then. And still, against all odds, David’s team decides that the whole thing is so absurd that it _must_ be true. Of course it isn’t. And Lee’s team get the point after all.

After the recording, Lee and David walk out of the building together. Lee feels unusually comfortable just walking alongside David, even though he can sense that something is up with the other man. When they finally reach the tube station, David stops and shuffles his feet a little awkwardly. Lee asks him if he wants to go and grab a coffee with him and David squirms a little more and even avoids Lee’s eyes now.

“I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea”, he says. “I’ve got to be up really early in the morning…”

“It’s only five”, Lee points out. “Surely you have time to go for a coffee?”

David’s mouth twitches a little nervously and a look of uncertainty flares up in his eyes. Lee can literally see the cogs turning in his head.

“Y-You mean go to a café and… just…”

“Yeah”, Lee says and shrugs.

For some reason David relaxes instantly and his face is flooded with warmth. It makes Lee wonder what he’d thought he meant, but at least he wasn’t being awkward because he wanted his space or something similar, and Lee supposes that that is a good thing.

“Or”, he says as an afterthought. “It’s really nice out, we could grab a couple of coffees to go and have a walk through the park. What do you reckon?”

“Are you serious or are you making fun of me?”

_What?_

Thrown for a loop, Lee flounders for an answer momentarily, and once he’s composed himself all he can think of to say is, “What?”

“Sorry, sorry”, David says quickly.

“What’s funny about walking in the park?”

David chuckles, then apologises again.

“I just like spending time with you”, Lee says seriously.

David doesn’t say anything to that, but the warmth in his eyes speaks volumes. He takes a fraction of a step closer to Lee and for a second Lee feels fear and excitement in equal measures, thinking he’s about to embrace him, or worse _kiss him_ , right there, in the open, for anyone and everyone to see. But he doesn’t, obviously. He just smiles.

Out of habit, they walk to their regular café and get their coffees there instead of closer to the nearby park. But it isn’t that far to walk, so by the time they're strolling amongst the greenery, they still have plenty of hot liquid left in their cups.

David is looking around almost excitedly, looking more relaxed than Lee has seen him in months. Once in a while he gives Lee a sidelong glance and his smile twitches a little.

Once, their pinkies bump together. David ducks his head down and his fringe falls into his eyes. They continue walking quietly, without acknowledging the brief contact at all, but the only thing Lee can think about for the rest of the walk is how _badly_ he wishes that he could hold David’s hand right now.

Then David’s mobile starts ringing, scaring the thought off and puncturing the mood. David reaches into his pocket and gets the mobile out, but after a quick glance at the display he dismisses the call and puts it back in the pocket again.

“Who was it?” Lee asks before he can stop himself.

“Oh, just work. It can wait though”, David says vaguely and much too casually to be genuine.

Lee knows he’s being a paranoid twat and that he’s acting like the jealous boyfriend that he isn’t. _Boyfriend that is. Jealous, yeah, pathetically so._  

He knows he’s got no right to be jealous. But frankly, the feeling is so unfamiliar to him, he has no idea of what to do with it, how to handle it. He’s never been jealous before in his life. He’s been envious a couple of times, but that’s it. But there’s just something about Webb and David’s relationship with him that gets under Lee’s skin. He can’t pin point what it is. But it really unnerves him.

They keep insisting that they don’t spend any time together outside of work, but it all seems a bit dubious to Lee. Not the fact that two people who work so closely together all the time would be sick and tired of each other’s company and want to spend their time _outside_ of work with other friends. That makes complete sense. But the fact that they need to constantly point it out, that doesn’t sit right with Lee at all.

“Look”, he says. “I think we should probably start heading back… you’ve got an early call and that, and I need to be getting home as well…”

David looks at him like he’s trying to figure him out, but he nods and agrees that that is probably a good idea.

 

 

 

It’s weeks before he visits David at his flat next time. They don’t even get to the dinner, that’s how starved for each other’s company they are. David latches onto him as soon as he’s in the door and kisses him deep enough to make his head spin. His hands seem to reach everywhere and they roam greedily, like David can’t get enough of the feel of him.

Lee walks backwards through the flat, completely trusting David to steer him in the right direction and clear of any obstacles, even though David is clearly distracted by the kiss that Lee refuses to break. He nestles his hands into David’s hair and fists it gently. He doesn’t pull on it, but he clasps it almost possessively, amazed by how soft it is and even more amazed by how strongly it affects him. He’s never really considered hair as something attractive before, not in the erotic sense anyway. Sure, it can look nice. He’s always been partial to shoulder length auburn hair for example. _In women, obviously. Before I realised I’m gay._

Lee’s mind stops whirring instantly. The thought echoes through his mind, _I’m gay, I’m gay_ , and it’s so surreal that he doesn’t even start panicking. His mind just goes numb.

Stumbling slightly, David breaks the kiss and steadies him.

“You okay?” he asks him breathlessly.

His eyes are heavy-lidded with arousal. The sight shoots straight to Lee’s groin and he swallows thickly. He can’t bring himself to form any actual, coherent words, so he just nods. David nods as well and leans in to kiss him again. He doesn’t start walking again though. Lee glances to the side and realises they’ve already reached the bedroom.

 _I’m not gay_ , he thinks firmly. _But I’ll stretch to bisexual_.

Pulling on David slightly, Lee starts to manoeuvre them towards the bed, but David resists the pull and holds onto him.

“Wait”, he says.

Lee gives him a questioning look.

“Just… wait for a minute. Please.”

“Alright…” Lee murmurs softly.

He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s learned to recognise that look in David’s eyes and whatever it is, it’s important.

David doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t explain. Just starts unbuttoning Lee’s shirt carefully, slowly. He glances between Lee’s face and his own hands.

“What are we doing?” Lee asks.

David glances up again.

“Undressing”, he replies without a hint of mockery or sarcasm.

“Okay…”

He still doesn’t quite get it, but at least he knows what to do so he reaches for David’s top button and pops it free. He feels his own shirt fall open and David’s hands that gently caress his belly and chest through his t-shirt. Lee catches David staring at his chest, _or ogling more like_ , then pushes the fabric further aside and basically admires his chest and shoulders.

It’s funny _, strange_ funny, to see that look in David’s eyes, to see him looking at _him_ like that. Obviously, he knows, logically, that David is attracted to him. But he never really thought too hard about it and when he has, he’s simply figured that David, just like every other person that Lee’s ever dated, would be attracted to his easy-going and funny personality first and foremost, and that the physical aspect would come second. And even then, he’s never been so deluded as to think of himself as objectively handsome. There are parts of him that are nicer than others, of course. But on the whole… _Well, I’m hardly Jude Law am I_.

He also knows that what _feels_ nice doesn’t necessarily _look_ great, and vice versa. So even though he can totally believe that David would be turned on by touching him and kissing him while they’re in the middle of doing it, but it’s another thing entirely to think that he would enjoy _simply looking_ at Lee, the way you might a model in a magazine or that charismatic colleague with the great body. Yet, that’s exactly what he’s doing right now.

Lee realises that his hands have started trembling slightly and quickly pops the last button of David’s shirt free. Wow, he thinks, looking at David’s body. _He’s lost_ a lot _of weight_. While not exactly news, Lee hasn’t really looked this closely recently, usually he’ll only get glimpses here and there while their tumbling about grabbing and gripping and grinding passionately, and it’s usually dark as well. He’s _felt him_ , of course. But it’s different seeing him like this.

Also, Lee’s beginning to suspect that David has lost some more weight since the last time he saw him. _He’s gorgeous._ Lee runs his hands almost reverently up his chest, really taking the time to feel him. _He really shouldn’t lose any more weight though, he’s perfect like this. Just like this._

Running his hands back down David’s chest and onto his belly, caressing it for a moment and revelling in the fact that it’s still slightly rounded and soft, then encircles his waist and hugs him closer. But David resists the pull and again tells him to wait.

“Let me look at you…”

He gently pushes Lee’s shirt all the way off him and it lands in a humble heap on the floor behind Lee’s feet. It strikes him that this is the first time that David has let either of their clothes fall to the floor like this. Usually, he puts them on the chair next to the bed, barely holding back from folding them judging by the slight tension in his fingers and how he hesitates for a fraction of a second every time.

But now, he seems to have forgotten about the shirt entirely. It’s oddly exhilarating.

He immediately grabs the hem of Lee’s t-shirt and starts pulling it. It’s pure instinct that has Lee raising his arms to allow him to pull it all the way off and as soon as it is, Lee’s self-consciousness sets in like clockwork.

“Why?” he asks, aiming for casual curiosity.

David glances up into his face. His eyes are bright, his pupils slightly dilated. Lee wonders if it’s the dim lighting.

“Because I like looking at you”, David tells him, his voice raw with barely suppressed emotion.

“Yeah?” he croaks out.

“Yes”, David murmurs, almost solemnly.

As if to illustrate, he takes a couple of steps back and sweeps his gaze slowly down Lee’s body, drinking in the sight with such raw lust that it makes Lee slightly light-headed.

“I rather you hold me”, he says and it doesn’t sound nearly as jokingly as he’d hoped, but rather faint and uncertain, so to save face he forces out half a _hah_ , but it only seems to highlight it.

“I know”, David says softly. “I love holding you as well, I just wanted to look at you for a second…”

He closes the distance between them again and cups Lee’s face in his hands.

“I know you’re probably wracking your brain right now to figure out why that is and I also know that you won’t _allow yourself_ to believe me when I tell you, but I think you’re _so sexy_ …”

Lee forces out a strangled chuckle that doesn’t sound amused at all.

“And trust me”, David continues. “That is not a description I use very often… it’s not even a permanent resident in my vocabulary. Well… until recently that is. Relatively.”

“Alright, alright”, Lee mutters, unable to take any more, brimming as he is already with all these unfamiliar and overwhelming emotions.

He captures David’s lips with his own and kisses him deeply. It’s all a mess after that. As if making up for lost time, they tear off the rest of each other’s clothes and throw themselves onto the bed, limbs tangled and lips stubbornly locked together.  

Lee nudges David’s legs open and pushes his thigh against his groin, gyrating his hips in a fluid motion that has David groaning. He puts his arm down next to Lee and supports his weight on his elbow and meets his movements, creating a wonderful friction that has them both trembling in seconds.

Lee sneaks his arms around David’s waists and puts his hands on his lower back, pressing him harder against himself. David kisses him again. It’s wet and sloppy, but it makes Lee tingle all over. Feeling bold, he lets his hands trail downwards and cups David’s arse gently. When David breaks the kiss again, he’s just about to remove his hands again but pauses when David buries his face in the crook of his neck rather than pulling away. A small, puppy-like noise escapes David’s throat and Lee squeezes him gently, then rubs against him in slow and gentle movements.

David’s breathing is deepening. Puffs of air are hitting Lee’s skin quicker and quicker. He can feel David’s heartbeats against his own.

Seized by an uncontrollable urge to just _have_ David, to have more of him, _all of him_ , to devour and possess him, Lee flips them over and pushes him into the mattress. David gasps. But it’s a good gasp. At least he’s _fairly_ certain that it is. He bites down gently on David’s neck and sucks. It’s not like he’s _marking him_ or anything. Well, he _is_ , but not _intentionally_. Well, it _is_ intentional, but that’s not his reason for doing it. _I’m not a bloody teenager. Or a vampire._

David moans again though, so he figures it can’t be that bad. Continuing to kiss his way down David’s chest, he’s expecting David to tense up or pull away any second. But he doesn’t. Finally Lee reaches his belly button, and he’s still not trying to stop him. Somewhere at the back of his mind, the rational and terrified part of Lee is shouting at him that he has no idea what he’s doing if he’s forgotten that and he’ll fuck everything up. But the combination of his newfound confidence, overwhelming arousal and the encouraging soundtrack of David’s breathing and occasional little noises of pleasure, helps him ignore it and finally he throws all caution to the wind and dives down.

“Y-You don’t have to”, David gasps when he starts nuzzling the side of his cock.

But despite the protest, David cards his fingers through Lee's hair. He doesn’t grab it. He doesn’t push his head down. He just combs his fingers through it, massaging his scalp with his fingertips.

Lee trails his lips from the base of David's cock and up the full length of it, stopping at the head and gives it a soft kiss. He smiles when David swears under his breath. Instinctively, his hands tighten their grip on Lee’s hair and he immediately lets go and presses them into the mattress instead. Slowly taking just the head into his mouth, Lee reaches for them and guides them back into his hair. Then playfully, experimentally, he massages the underside of the head with his tongue, getting used to the taste and feel of it, listening to the noises David makes and lets that guide him. Suddenly he sucks and David swears again. Lee decides that _that_ is his new favourite sound.

David’s grip on Lee’s hair tightens again, but this time he doesn’t pull away. He still doesn’t push Lee’s head down and Lee’s thankful for that. He’s definitely not ready for that. But for some reason it doesn’t feel like David is restraining himself. He genuinely seems to be happy just carding his fingers through Lee’s short hair, or more specifically the slightly longer hair at the top.

_And he likes it slow. I can do that._

Carefully, Lee lowers his head. Halfway down the length of David’s cock he stops and pulls up again, sucking gently the whole way then encircling the head with his tongue. He repeats the motion a few times, encouraged both by the sounds David is making and the fact that’s he’s begun to tremble. A small layer of sweat has broken out of his body, making his shine slightly in the dim light from the bedside lamp.

Relaxing as much as he can, Lee takes as much of David into his mouth as is possible, but not daring to try and tackle his gag reflex just yet, he doesn’t quite manage to swallow him down completely.

“Lee”, David more or less whines and pulls a little on his hair. “S-Stop…”

Lee understands immediately and sits back, grasping David with a firm familiarity and starts pumping until the orgasm rips through him. Lee watches in amazement as he arches up and his face contorts slightly in an almost pained expression that Lee recognises all too well but never tires of.

Another thing that amazes him is how _hard_ he himself still is. He hadn’t thought he’d _mind_ sucking David off. He’d been terrified of doing, but that was because of the possibility of _David_ disliking it. But what he also hadn’t imagined was that he might actually _enjoy_ it. But he had. Evidently. Maybe not so much the act itself, although there was something rather thrilling about the feeling of that soft skin in contrast to the firm flesh underneath, but what made it positively erotic was David’s reactions to what he was doing.

“Oh shit”, David pants.

Lee unstraddles him and gingerly sits down next to him instead. Immediately David reaches for him, hand bumping into his arm clumsily.

“Come here…”

Lee smiles and eagerly stretches out next to him. David snakes his arm under his head and Lee’s rearranges himself to fit it into the crook of his neck. David pulls him closer and angles for a kiss, but Lee hesitates self-consciously, thinking about what he’s just been doing. David makes an impatient noise and pulls a little more forcefully though, so he complies. David deepens the kiss immediately, sucking on Lee’s tongue as if he’s been starving for it. _Considering what a kisser David is, he probably has._

Once again, David combs his fingers through Lee’s hair and as soon as he’s regained some of his strength, he pushes Lee onto his back. Dispensing with any more kisses, David dives down Lee’s body and more or less wolfs him down. Lee might have exclaimed something. It might have been explicit. And it might have been several times.

David deep-throats him and _hums_ , and Lee’s done for.

Afterwards they settle down next to each other and David snuggles into Lee’s side happily.

“Amazing”, he mumbles.

“Yeah?” Lee asks, not really meaning to fish for compliments, but unable to help himself.

“Yeah. Definitely”, David tells him and Lee can feel him smiling against his chest.

“I’ll need lots of practise of course”, Lee deadpans.

“Oh yeah”, David agrees heartily. “Lots and lots of practise on a regular basis will obviously be required.”

Lee chuckles and hugs him even closer. He leans down to plant an affectionate kiss on his head, but ends up nuzzling his hair and breathing in its scent instead. _That smell_ , he feels his heart swell. Of course he knows that your heart can’t actually swell, but something is swelling in there and it feels nice.

“Sleep?” he murmurs.

“Yes”, David agrees and by the sound of it he’s half-asleep already. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has really taken off with me, so I had to add a chapter. But the next one should be the last.


	9. This is Lee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! :)

 

 

Lee’s only just woken up, but already it’s shaping up to be a miserable day. Not only is the sky outside the window heavy with rain clouds, but the atmosphere in David’s kitchen isn’t much better either. 

 

Lee’s entire body feels unpleasantly numb, except for his head which is pounding all the harder as though to make up for it, and the pressure of a hangover is weighing down on his brain like a wet cloth crammed into his skull. And as if that wasn’t bad enough… in the sobering light of day, regret has started seeping into his thoughts as well, his inner voice chanting _idiotidiotidiot_ at him like a bitter mantra. 

 

David has yet to say one word to him, or even glance in his direction. He is basically sleep-walking around the kitchen making them both breakfast and his movements are clumsy, clearly on auto-pilot. His skin is clammy and pale, except for the rings around his eyes. _It’s not a flattering look_ , Lee thinks. He’s still handsome, of course. But it’s almost conjecture at this point. 

 

Lee tries to remember if he’s ever seen David this hungover before and realises that no, no he hasn’t. Which makes perfect sense, really. It doesn’t seem like something David would be… this whole scene doesn’t feel like something that belongs in David’s kitchen, David’s life, at all. This is Lee. Lee’s life. And now he’s dragged poor David into it…

 

They shouldn’t have opened that last bottle. _Lee_ shouldn’t have opened that last bottle, shouldn’t have stayed the night… his mind flashes back to the text message he sent Tara in the early hours of the morning (some tosh about Noel being in pieces, he thinks) that, thanks to the combined effort of his own inebriation and fucking auto-correct, must have been barely comprehensible, and to which she replied: ” _fine_ ”

 

He swallows down a large gulp of searing hot coffee to drown the groan that bubbles up in his throat. _Shouldn’t have stayed,_ he thinks. _Fuckfuckfuck. Idiot._

 

David slumps in the seat opposite him and they struggle through breakfast quietly, taking turns using butter, jam and sugar in synchronized movements and never brushing against each other. 

 

Lee’s regret spills over and seeps into everything around him, pungent like resentment, heavy like shame. He forces himself to finish a piece of toast, just to distract himself from it, even though each bite makes his stomach turn slightly. 

 

”Do you want another one?” David asks him, his voice thick and raspy. 

 

”I’m alright”, Lee mumbles, without looking up from his coffee cup. 

 

The very act of speaking is exhausting, forming thoughts even more so, but it’s more than that. Lee can’t deal with David right now, can’t face him, this, them. It’s too much. 

 

As much as Lee cares about David, and as fun as they had last night, they shouldn’t have done it, _he shouldn’t be here_ … it’s the third night this month and _Tara knows_ , she _must_ know. It was stupid, reckless, _so fucking reckless_. 

 

 _She’ll want to talk,_ he thinks. _When I get home, she’ll be waiting for me, wanting explanations, wanting…_ and for a moment Lee doesn’t even worry about the truth coming out and Tara demanding they get a divorce. For one absurd moment losing his wife and kids isn’t the worst possible thing that can happen to him — but having to have this conversation with her whilst hungover is!

 

Lee cradles his head in his hands and bites his lip to keep from moaning. He’s vaguely aware of David getting up and moving back to the counter to refill his tea cup, then returning with the cafetiere for Lee. 

 

 _Coffee is good_ , Lee thinks numbly as he grabs it to refill his cup. _Whatever else fuckery that happens, at least there’s coffee in the world._

 

He’s halfway to the bottom of his second cup when his mobile starts vibrating against his heart. He plucks it out of the breast pocket and checks the display quickly. It’s Tara. _Of course it is._

 

”I’ve got ’o take this…” he mumbles and heaves himself to his feet without waiting for David’s response and answers the call quickly. ”Yeah?”

 

He shuffles out into the living room area to give himself a pretense of privacy, but it doesn’t do much good what with the flat being open-planned and all. He can still sense David in his peripheral, but he refuses to talk to his wife from the bedroom where he cheated on her just a few hours ago, so he stays put. 

 

”Hi love…” he says softly, trying to keep his voice down as much as possible. 

 

David gets up from his seat again and begins to move around in the kitchen, probably clearing the island and preparing the washing up. It’s all very domestic and casual, but Lee knows that David likes to tinker around when he’s uncomfortable. 

 

”Where are you?” Tara asks him, voice hard. ”Are you at Noel’s?”

 

 _Watch out,_ Lee’s inner voice says. 

 

”No”, he says honestly. ”I stayed over at David’s… Mitchell… We got a bit, you know…”

 

”Right”, Tara mutters. ”And how hungover are you?”

 

”Um, not that bad”, he lies. 

 

”Right”, she says again, but this time she sounds tired more than anything. ”Well, there’s no need to hurry home. You sleep it off. I’m taking the kids to see Alice this afternoon…”

 

”Right — I know, yeah, I remember you telling me”, Lee hurries to say, lying again. 

 

”Do you”, Tara says drily. ”Do you also remember that we were actually supposed to have gone this morning and you were supposed to come with us? Or that you were going to drive us down, because I don’t want to take the kids on the train with Millie is teething?”

 

”…Oh. Right.”

 

Tara sighs softly, ”It’s fine… I called Daniel and he’ll come by and pick us up in a little while, said he could use an afternoon in the burbs… Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. That text you sent made no sense whatsoever.”

 

”Sorry”, Lee mumbles, feeling awful, and when he glances into the kitchen where David is rearranging the dirty dishes in the dishwasher tensely, he feels even worse. ”I should have called —”

 

”At four-thirty in the morning? I should think not”, Tara says firmly. ”It’s fine. We’ll see you later this evening… say hi to David.”

 

”Yeah. Sure…”

 

”Oh, and Noel called the house”, she adds, too casually to be casual and Lee’s heart skips a beat, _thank fuck I didn’t say I was at Noel’s._ ”Said to give him a ring when you’ve come back from the dead.”

 

”Right, I’ll… I’ll do that…”

 

”I love you”, Tara sighs. 

 

”Y-yeah, you too”, Lee says in a rush and quickly hangs up.

 

As soon as he lowers the mobile, he hears a couple of _beeps_ from the kitchen and then the rumble and splash of the dishwasher as it starts up.

 

He takes a deep breath before he heads back into the kitchen and slumps down in his seat at the island again. His coffee cup is the only thing left on the top and he pulls it closer, just cradles it and allows himself a moment of self-pity, before he takes another steeling deep breath and looks up again. 

 

”Everything alright?” David asks loudly over the sound of the dishwasher, his back still resolutely turned to Lee under the pretence of wiping some specks of dried jam from the side of the jam jar. 

 

”Yeah”, Lee mutters. ”No, yeah, I just… forgot about this thing we’d planned to do today, the family, but… Tara’s fine about it…”

 

David seems to go impossibly still while Lee talks, then he turns around to face him for the first time and if it wasn’t for the hint tension around his mouth, Lee might have thought he was fine as well. He doesn’t say anything else and he doesn’t quite look at Lee, but he makes a huge effort to keep his body relaxed as he reaches for an apple from the small fruitbowl in the corner of the counter and takes a bite. 

 

Lee stifles a small smile at the sight. David is a comfort eater and even though Lee should feel bad for making him _need_ comfort, he can’t help but think he’s adorable. 

 

He wonders if he should change the subject and lighten the mood, or if he should just stay quiet and let David deal with his hangover, and whatever else he’s feeling right now, as he sees fit. 

 

”Sure you don’t want anything else to eat?” David asks and some tension has actually managed to sneak into his voice now. 

 

”No, I’m good. Thanks”, Lee says, kindly not mentioning the fact that David has already cleared everything away. 

 

Another tense silence spreads out, thick in the air between them and it’s almost a relief when it’s broken up by the sound of a door opening and closing somewhere in the flat. The relief is short-lived, though. 

 

Lee sits up a little straighter as he hears soft footsteps approaching and in the next moment, David’s flatmate Robbie appears in the livingroom and continues into the kitchen. He gives Lee a pinched smile in greeting and Lee mirrors it awkwardly. 

 

”Morning…”

 

”Good morning”, Robbie replies with a polite nod. 

 

Lee’s only met Robbie a few times and each time has been as awkward as the first. He’s an alright bloke. Lee is sure he would have got along fine with him under any other circumstances. But as it is, the circumstances couldn’t be more uncomfortable — for either of them. 

 

”Morning, Robbie”, David says and gives the other man a tired but genuine smile. 

 

”Do you fellows want a ride to the studio later? I’m heading that way”, Robbie says, making himself a cup of tea. 

 

”No, I think we’ll take the tube”, David murmurs, glancing at Lee as if to check with him but not really waiting for a reaction either way. ”Thanks though…”

 

”That’s alright… Oh, I meant to tell you, David”, Robbie adds, cradling his cup of tea and leaning his hip casually against the counter, clearly having no intention of taking a seat. ”We got the house!”

 

”Oh, right, congratulations!” David says and turns a little more towards him, _away_ from Lee, who feels very much like the third wheel suddenly, sitting forgotten at the kitchen island.

 

”Thanks! Cynthia’s really thrilled about it…”

 

”Yeah”, David says, smiling crookedly. ”So when do you think you’ll be moving out?”

 

Lee tunes out the rest of the conversation and focuses instead on finishing his cold coffee, one careful sip at a time and, once he has, he debates with himself for a second whether it would be worth it to awkwardly reach around David to put the empty cup in the sink, possibly interrupting his conversation with his flatmate, who would probably think it intentional… in the end, he decides to just leave the cup on the island top. 

 

He leaves the kitchen without a word and walks back into David’s bedroom. David keeps a couple of Lee’s shirts in his wardrobe for times like this when Lee has stayed the night and usually it’s a relief, but looking at the three shirts now, the seriousness of it that hasn’t really struck Lee before suddenly does and it makes his stomach turn. He snatches one of them off its hanger and hurries out of the room again and shuts himself in the bathroom instead. 

 

David also keeps a spare toothbrush for Lee in the mug next to his own and Lee grabs it quickly and starts brushes his teeth without looking at his own reflection in the mirror. He feels slightly sick. But that could be the hangover, he figures. 

 

When he walks out of the bathroom again, the kitchen is empty. He finds David in the bedroom, getting dressed with jerky movements. He glances over at Lee when he appears in the doorway, but says nothing.

 

”You didn’t tell me Robbie was moving out”, Lee says. 

 

”Yeah, well… you know…” David mutters and it isn’t an answer at all. 

 

He chooses a pair of socks with much deliberation and care, _or he could just be using that as an excuse to avoid looking at you…_

 

”Are you going to try and find a new flatmate?”

 

For some reason the idea makes Lee ill at ease. His treacherous mind conjures up a series of disturbing images, from what must be a parallel reality, of _them_ living together. Disturbing, because it makes his heart flutter as though he _likes_ the idea, as though that is something he could ever have. 

 

”I don’t know”, David mutters, oblivious to Lee’s inner turmoil. ”I might turn his room into an office or something… it’s not as though I can’t afford the rent on my own now.”

 

”Yeah, I was going ter say…” Lee agrees, but his heart really isn’t in it. 

 

”Mm”, David says, or _sounds_ more like, equally non-commital.

 

 

 

*

 

They get through rehearsal fairly painlessly, and by the time the audience starts to filter into the studio, Lee has had enough coffee to fill the gas tank of a car and his hangover is barely noticable anymore. 

 

He and David hasn’t really spoken since they left the flat, except to banter on stage, but they’re not really cold towards each other, more like lukewarm… and Lee thinks that’s fine. _No-one’s hot all the time, right?_

 

”The name Delicious commands a lot of respect… in the ghetto”, Reginald D. Hunter says slowly, his deep voice seemingly vibrating in the air around him as leans back in his chair. ”You don’t listen to a lot of rap music, do you Fern?” the woman shakes her head with an indulgent smile. ”Well… there’s MC Delicious… Big Papa Delicious…”

 

”French Golden”, Lee cuts in. 

 

There’s a roar of laughter from the audience and even Reg struggles to keep a straight face. Automatically Lee’s gaze flickers over to David across the studio floor, but the other man is looking down, apparently distracted by his water bottle and by the time he’s got the lid screwed back on, Reg is talking again. 

 

Suddenly his face lights up and he laughs, at whatever joke Reg has just said, and Lee feels a pinch in his chest as he realises it’s been a while since he’s seen David laugh so openly and freely. He can’t even recall when _he_ made David laugh like that last… nothing he’s said so far tonight has had that effect on him and still David is laughing _a lot_ tonight — just not at _Lee’s_ jokes. 

 

”Ken”, Rob says. ”Your turn to reveal all —”

 

”I am the Mayor of London”, Lee quips, keeping a discreet eye on David in his peripheral the whole time and catches him _smiling coolly_ , while reaching for his bloody water bottle again, even as the rest of the studio laughs all around them. 

 

Even Ken bloody Livingston gets a bigger laugh from David a moment later, when he talks about some tree frog’s _arse_ , of all things!

 

 _Don’t think about it_ , Lee tells himself sternly. _Don’t fixate on it, just get through the show._

 

”And how did you m-m-make them b-breed…?” David asks Ken awkwardly, cheeks flushing a subtle pink. 

 

”He stammered when he asked it — I love that!” Rob exclaims with a giggle and points a finger at David giddily, before launching into a quick reenactment that has David crossing his arms in protest, even as his cheeks flush a little deeper and his crooked smile twitches with amusement. 

 

”Okay…” Rob murmurs, looking down as he listens to whoever is talking to him through the earpiece, still smiling. ”All right… We’re going to move on to the next round now! I’m just going to set it up for the camera and then we’ll reset… Okay, here we go…”

 

He straightens up slightly and looks down the camera with a big smile. 

 

”Our next round is called ’This is my’ where we bring on a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panelists… or, embarassingly, is someone from the child support agency, looking for _Lee_!”

 

Lee huffs out a good-natured laugh and shakes his head, but his chest pinches again as the joke reminds him of what a _shit_ family man he’s become lately… 

 

While they reset for the round, Lee gets up to stretch his legs and sneaks off stage for a quick fag. He’s resisting the temptation to text Tara just to ’check in’ when he hears the door open behind him and spins around to see David sticking his head out. There is a brief moment when they simply stare at each other uncertainly, then David smiles and tells him they’re ready to record the next round. 

 

Lee nods and takes one last drag off his cigarette, before flicking it off to the side. David says nothing, but Lee can see him frowning at the cigarette butt like he wants to go over there and pick it up and put it in the ashtray _where Lee should have put it_. 

 

He doesn’t, of course. That would be insane, even for David. But Lee is _sure_ he _wants to_ … 

 

”You okay?” he asks Lee instead. 

 

”Yeah”, Lee says shortly, shouldering past him and making his way back to the stage.

 

”Well, this is Gordon”, Steven Mangan says, gesturing unnecessarily towards the mystery guest a moment later when they’re all seated again. ”And Gordon and I were in a progg rock band… called Aragorn… and we recorded an album called _The Wizard’s Dream_.”

 

 _True,_ Lee thinks. 

 

”David”, Rob says. ”Perhaps you’d like to explain your connection?”

 

”Eh, this is Gordon, ehm, he works in my local pet shop and recently he sold me a hamster—”

 

 _What,_ Lee thinks. 

 

”—that died the very next day.”

 

 _Well, that can’t be true,_ Lee thinks. _I would have seen it. Or heard about it, at least. Why would David get a hamster in the first place, he hates animals — well, he doesn’t_ hate _animals, but he’s not exactly an animal person — he’s not a people person, either, to be fair — wonder if he’s into plants—?_

 

”—Lee’s team, where would you like to start?” Rob is asking suddenly. 

 

”Okay”, Lee says, shaking himself slightly and forcing himself to focus. 

 

”What, what did the hamster die of?” Ken asks David, who shrugs slightly stating he doesn’t really know.

 

”I think we all know David…” Lee cuts in automatically and nods suggestively.

 

 _What the hell did I mean by that?_ he thinks desperately. But whatever the joke was meant to be, at least the audience seems to get it because they let out another hysterical peel of laughter and even Rob throws his head back and laughs, clapping his hands together and everything. 

 

David simply shoots him a pinched smile. Then he milks the audience for all the joy they possess by putting on a pathetic voice, pretending to be choked up over this supposed pet, that he’d apparently bought as a birthday gift for his godson, ”But next morning, it was no longer alive…”

 

The audience laughs and claps, but all Lee can think is _David has a godson?_

 

And then, _no, he_ doesn’t _like plants, he’s bloody allergic! Can’t believe I forgot he’s aller—_

 

”—against the clock…”

 

Lee becomes aware of Rob talking to camera again and realises it’s time for the new round. _Focus,_ he tells himself sternly. 

 

”And again”, Rob adds, still speaking to the camera and still managing to sound like he hasn’t said this a hundred times before. ”They don’t know whether they’re about to read out a true fact about themselves, or a lie we’ve made up and they’ve never seen before! So…  we’ll start with… Lee!”

 

Lee fumbles with the card slightly in his eagerness to pick it up, keen to show everyone that he’s been paying attention the whole time.

 

”Last year”, he reads swiftly. ”I was ordered to leave Blackpool Tower after I threw a sausage roll off the top.”

 

Now David _has to_ engage with him. And within seconds they’ve fallen into their roles; they’re feeding off each other’s energy, talking over each other urgently, excitedly. David asks him how hot the sausage roll was and Lee mimes it for him, much to the amusement of the audience and the other panelists, and immediately David dives into an impassioned tale about some overweight kid getting hit in the face with the sausage roll, ploughing on stubbornly and loudly as Lee tries to get a word in, their emotions are splattering all around them as their heated mock argument takes off and Lee feels his adrenaline spiking — _This_ , he thinks. _This is what it’s about, what_ we’re _about!_

 

He’s so excited about it, he’s not even annoyed when David’s team calls his bluff and steals the point from him. 

 

”Yes, it was a lie”, Rob exclaims. ”Lee didn’t get thrown out of Blackpool Tower for throwing a sausage roll off the top… as if someone from the North would ever waste anything wrapped in pastry!”

 

Lee just shakes his head at the joke, but is soon distracted by the sight of David hiding a bashful smile behind his hand, his cheeks rosy pink and eyes glittering as they lock with Lee for what is maybe a beat too long… but Lee doesn’t mind. It’s as if something between them, tension possibly, has broken and now they’re in sync with each other again and it’s such a relief, Lee can literally breathe easier. 

 

In fact, everything goes a lot smoother for the rest of the recording. 

 

David reads out a statement about having had a little bell as a child whenever he was at his grandparents’ place, that he would ring to get their attention. As soon as he’s put the card down again, he looks straight at Lee, his crooked smile twitching as if to say _go on then, let’s hear it…_

 

But before Lee can say anything, Reg starts questioning David about it instead and although David answers him, his eyes flit back to Lee immediately and it feels almost like a sentiment. 

 

”Eh, could I have a posher upbringing, please?” Rob says in his worst David Mitchell voice, bobble-head impersonation and all. 

 

”I liked ringing the bell”, David says, his voice cracking a little dejectedly, even as he tries to sound defensive. 

 

The light lands on Fern next and she picks up her card and reads, ”Possession!”

 

Rob instructs her to get the box out from under the desk and when she lifts the lid off, a rather hideous old tea cozy is revealed. 

 

”This is my tea cozy”, she reads from the second card. ”I take it absolutely everywhere with me, because I can’t stand a cold tea pot.”

 

”Ehm… for no reason at all”, Lee says before he can stop himself. ”David, can you just put it on your head?”

 

Without even a split second’s hesitation, David reaches out and plucks the tea cozy from the desk top. 

 

”Yeah, all right”, he says with a put-upon sigh and gingerly places it on his head like a hat, then leans back happily, looking like some weird clown parody of the Pope, all the while smiling at Lee. ”I feel quite important… can I have a little bell?”

 

”How hot do you like your tea?” Lee asks Fern.

 

”Well, I don’t like it when…” she starts and then mimes taking a sip and immediately burning her tongue and Lee nods in understanding, putting Reg to rights when he makes a remark about her getting that from him, because everyone mimes when they’re telling a story, it’s the easiest way and _Fern is an excellent mime!_

 

”Yeah”, David mutters, giving Reg a nod. ”The rest of humanity uses _numbers_ to denote temperature — you”, he adds to Lee. ”Use mime.”

 

”Yeah, ’cause that would make sense”, Lee scoffs. ”Is your tea all right? — yes, it’s a number seven!”

 

”Genuinely”, David blurts out loudly to be heard over the audience’s laughter, leaning forward and pinning Lee with a sharp look that makes his stomach flip. ”Genuinely, the idea of numbers denoting temperatures is _new_ to you?”

 

”Yeah, but you don’t _say_ it’s seven, do you?” Lee dismisses and quickly ploughs on when David splutters out an incredulous _Seven_ , ”I’m talking to the lady, not the nutter—!”

 

”Who would want a seven anywa—? A cup of—! _Seven!?_ That’s horrendously cold!” David exclaims and Lee starts to respond, but is immediately interrupted again. ”In whatever scale! If it’s centigrades, it’s too cold. If it’s Fahrenheit, _it’s solid!_ ”

 

 _Oh, why bother,_ Lee thinks, half exasperated and half fond. There’s no way he’ll ever be able to beat David in logic. 

 

 

*

 

They hang around in the dressing room for a while after they’ve removed their make-up and Lee has changed shirts. Rob has his wife and kids waiting for him in the greenroom and he asks David and Lee if they’re staying for a drink. David immediately looks at Lee, a subtle spark of hope in his eyes. But Lee can’t… 

 

_Just one drink —_

 

 _No,_ he tells himself sternly. 

 

He’s barely seen his kids this week. If he leaves now, he’ll at least catch the oldest two before their bedtime. Not to mention is wife who becomes a little more withdrawn and passive-aggressive every time he stays out late — or, you know, all night — which, if Lee is honest with himself, has become an all too common occurence lately. 

 

_But just one drink._

 

_No, I can’t. I really can’t, not two nights in a row. Not again._

 

”I need to get home.”

 

Rob nods in understanding and David gives him a quick smile, but it’s not sincere enough to hide the disappointment in his eyes and Lee feels like he’s just kicked a puppy. 

 

_Just go home._

 

”Well… I’ll see you boys later”, he says. 

 

And he actually leaves. He actually goes home. He would be almost proud of himself, if it wasn’t for the fact that as soon as he gets there, he pours himself a generous drink and shuts himself in the study. 

 

He just can’t win. Whatever choice he makes, he’s still going to feel like an arsehole. 

 

 _That’s because I am one,_ he thinks bitterly and downs his drink. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I don't even know what to say. It's literally been YEARS, so "sorry" doesn't seem anywhere near enough. I've been writing in the Harry Potter fandom and on my own original work since my last update, so it was really weird to jump back into this. But I've been going over all of my old post-it notes for this fic and re-watched a bunch of WILTY episodes from series 3 and 4, and I can definitely say I'll be updating the next chapter SOON. There will be one more chapter in this prequel, and then I'm moving on to the last sequel in the series. 
> 
> Any thoughts or feedback you might have would be very helpful and much appreciated as well.  
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> The middle of this series (When they stop laughing... and Who's laughing now) were the first fics I wrote, and now I've started writing a prequel as well as a sequel to those, and whereas the two fics in the middle take place at a specific point in the beginning of series 5, in this and the last fic of this series I have cheated the timeline of real life to fit with the storyline (e.g. taken a situation from an episode in series 3 and put it together with a situation in series 4...) 
> 
> Just so you know.


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